New York – How the Restrictions and Issurim of Torah Life Can be Good for You

New York – Humans will always be challenged by intimacy. Love can bring ecstasy but also great pain. The paradox cannot be avoided – the closer we are to a person and the more we open our heart, the more we can be either hurt or loved. Some cultures place elaborate rituals and taboos around intimacy as a way of helping people feel safe in relationships. We find this in the Torah as well, with various issurim such as taharas hamishpacha and minhagey tznius. True, we cannot presume to know with certainty the purpose of any of the mitzvos, it still is proper to study the possible reasons for them so we can better understand how to use them in our growth. (See Rambam, Hilchos Temura, end of chapter 4.) Our current secular culture suggests that allowing people more freedom, particularly in regard to personal moral issues such as sexuality, will help them enjoy life without arbitrary restrictions or hurtful experiences. However, this is not necessarily the case. In fact, research shows that sexual freedom does not protect people from emotional injury, nor does it prepare people for happier, longer lasting marriages.

Torah values are different from secular values in a fundamental way. In secular rationalist terms, we may do or not do things because of what benefit or damage it brings us or prevents from happening to us. This, in and of itself is not a corrupt idea. However, if this is the sole basis of our decision-making, it will lead to dysfunction because it simply is not possible to always get what we want. If we do not develop an internal process of finding satisfaction and meaning that is not based solely on pleasure seeking, when desires inevitably cannot be completely fulfilled, frustration and depression are a likely result. Torah thought tells us that our bodies do not belong to us. There is a taboo against suicide and it is even forbidden to injure oneself (see Shulchan Aruch Y.D. 180:6, Shach 9.) The message is clear: Although we may partake of this world it does not mean that we fully own ourselves, and we cannot expect to exercise full control. This is the difference between a Torah person and a secular person. A secular person when frustrated, may seek a termination of sorts. That could be termination of a relationship (divorce), or even suicide or murder. After all, if your toy stops working, why not break it or throw it away? But the Torah perspective is that we cannot expect to control everything, and when we experience frustration, we are not free to give up. This may be why there is such a great emphasis on humility in Torah ethics (see Rambam Hilchos Deos 2:3), because a humble attitude helps us see that our needs, our experience, and our feelings are not always the most important factor.

Consider the rising rate of divorce today, and numbers of families experiencing extreme strife and discord. Part of this is due to people entering the endeavor of marriage and family with unrealistic expectations and then becoming frustrated as these expectations are not met. But immediately upon consummating their marriage, the chosson and kallah receive a strong message to forestall trouble: The dramatic and sudden restrictions imposed upon them via the laws of family purity inform the new couple that the focus of the marriage cannot be exclusively on personal gratification. This is enacted symbolically at the wedding as well, when the bride and groom are pressured to leave their private chambers to be embraced by the community in celebration. The message is: No matter how YOU feel, whether not you are tired or have been fasting all day, the community rejoices with you, but also reminds you that what you have belongs to everyone.

Restrictions as a way to Experience Pleasure

As observers of human nature, we may notice that people develop a tolerance for all forms of pleasure. This seems to stem from the inherent limits of our bodies to experience sustained pleasure. Whether it is drugs, food, or sex, people develop a tolerance for a certain pleasure and must either try something new and novel, increase the dosage, or abstain for a period of time. Smokers (and users of other more potent drugs) often speak wistfully of the “rush” they experience after a long period of abstention, such as, ironically, when they attempted to quit.

Sometimes, less actually is more. It is a curious fact, that sexual pleasure stems more from the continued tension and desire than from the ultimate satisfaction. Freud*, in his Three Essays on Sexuality, noted this fact and admitted that there was no sufficient explanation that he could offer for this. As it says in Mishley (9:17), “Stolen waters are sweet.”

[*Let me save the message posters a lot of back and forth over quoting Freud, whose writings contain some apikorsus: The Rambam in his introduction to his commentary on Pirkei Avos, known as the Shemonah Perakim, informs his readers that he purposely did not name certain sources that he quoted. He said, since they are from non-Jews and non-believers, he feared the ideas would be rejected. Instead, he asked the readers to consider the arguments on their merits and logic, not the pedigree of the author. The ideas quoted from Freud in this essay are keen observations that speak the truth.]

In addition, in another essay, Freud offers this very poignant and true observation about love:

“Is it not true that wine always provides the drinker with the same satisfaction…Has one ever heard of a drinker who needs to go to a country where wine is dearer…? If we listen to what…alcoholics say about their relation to wine, it sounds like the most perfect harmony, a model of happy marriage. Why is the relation to the lover and his sexual object so very different? [Meaning, why do so many people tire and grow unsatisfied with their partners, when they do not seem to grow tired of alcohol or other hedonistic pursuits?] Something in the nature of the sexual instinct itself is unfavorable to the realization of complete satisfaction.” (Standard Edition, The Tendency of Debasement in Love, 9:188-189.)

The Gemara’s answer to this problem is:

“Rabbi Meir says, ‘Why does the Torah forbid sexual intercourse with a menstruating woman for seven days?] Because [if] he is constantly with her, he will cease to desire her. [Therefore,] the Torah says she shall be tamey for seven days so that she will be dear to him as the day she entered the marriage canopy.” (Niddah 31b).

When contemplating issurim that we find to be overly burdensome, keep in mind the big picture. The rules and prohibitions act as road signs and markers for us to reflect upon and appreciate the joys of life, and allow us to balance our needs with the needs of others, so we may develop more harmonious relationships in our lives.

It is therefore more constructive to frame the myriad ways frum life forbids certain foods and activities as a means to regulate pleasure instead of restricting pleasure. This is not an invitation to live a life of abstention as a monk would, nor should one feel guilty about enjoying the pleasures of life. Rather, it is the thoughtful modulation and regulation of the experiences of life that allow us to enjoy them to their fullest.

Simcha Feuerman is a psychotherapist, practicing in Queens and Brooklyn, specializing in volatile and conflictual couples and families. He can be reached at [email protected].