New York – It’s open season on large families in America. Ever since Nadya Suleman became infamous as the unemployed, welfare Mom of octuplets, the focus has been not only on her irresponsible behavior in becoming artificially impregnated with eight embryos after she already had six children with no visible means of support, but on the primitive choice of having lots of kids in the first place. One female pundit on CNN said that women who choose to have lots of children are usually uneducated, extremely religious, and bereft of any career.
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Now I’m not defending Suleman whose actions are clearly objectionable. But aren’t we overdoing our hatred of her? Since going on the airwaves and talking about her decision to have 14 children, she has had innumerable death threats. Through her website she has received 55,000 messages, nearly all angry and negative. Her publicist (yes, I agree, a bad idea) Joan Killeen said she dropped her client after receiving hundreds of death threats of her own. “They hope I die, they hope my business goes under, they want to rip her uterus out. They say I should be anesthetized and put down like a dog.” What was Suleman’s main crime? Her babies will have to be supported by taxpayers. Fair enough. But have the CEO’s of AIG, Meryl Lynch, and Citibank, who cost taxpayers infinitely more money in order to buy thirty thousand dollar commodes and give their employees bonuses with which to buy Ferraris, received the same threats of violence? Is this woman really the world’s biggest criminal?
I have written several articles in the past as to how, as a father of nine children, I find myself apologizing wherever I go. Those articles sparked an avalanche of letters from families across America with five children or more who told me that friends and family always put them on the defensive for wanting a lot of kids. And they always find some sinister motive behind it. The fact that perhaps we just love children and feel they are life’s most precious gift is something they can’t accept. As I always tell my friends who ask me why I have a large family, “As soon as I find something I enjoy as much as my kids I will have a lot of that as well.”
My wife and I traveled to Australia recently as guests of Qantas Airlines for a book and media tour. The airline could not have been more family friendly and accommodating to the baby we brought on board. A succession of both male and female flight attendants came by to play with the baby. When I asked one forty-something female flight attendant who was holding our daughter whether she had children of her own, she said, “My husband and I thought of it but decided against it. I guess we couldn’t find a compelling reason to have a baby.” After she departed, my wife said to me, “There she was holding the most beautiful thing in the world in her arms and that wasn’t a good enough reason?”
Over the years many women have told me that they wanted more but could not afford it. And the vacations, cars and dresses that we shove onto our maxed out credit cards we can afford? The New York Times Magazine ran a cover story last summer about the shrinking populations of Japan, Germany, Italy, Russia, Scandinavia, and France where the birthrates have fallen well below the death rates. It turns out that richest countries of west, who can afford children, have the lowest birth rates. Normally the reason given for this is that richer countries have easier access to birth control. Now this is an important factor. But an equally important consideration is that in richer countries people seem to value expensive homes and jewelry more than they value kids.
Amid the worst economic crisis in 70 years, all brought about by greed and misguided materialistic values, one would have thought that Americans would begin to get it, that we’d return to things that are truly valuable like family, spirituality, and community. But there it was in the newspapers this week that Saks Fifth Avenue was opening a new boutique for men with suits beginning at $7000 a pop. I was in Miami Beach, where I grew up, for a lecture this weekend. My brother Chaim and I walked to the boat show where multi-million dollar yachts lined the streets. As I walked by these behemoths, it dawned on me that sure, I’d love to own one of them. But to be honest, the pleasure I get from my kids by far outweighs anything I have ever received in the form of worldly goods. And I had a choice that needed to be made every day of my life. I could either work my guts out to afford one of these things. Or, I could work less and spend more time with my children.
To be sure, having nine kids is not easy. When we go on a trip it takes a large amount of work to prepare. Tuition at religious schools is expensive. Food is equally so. But it’s worth every penny. Watching our children laugh, learn, and interact with each other has no parallel to any joy in the universe. Often women ask me whether a particular man is husband-material. I tell them to look first and foremost at whether he likes children. If he does, it means he loves playfulness, imagination, and little cute critters who bring out his own innocence. If he sees children as a burden then he might be just a little too much into himself.
We can debate all we want as to whether Nadya Suleman should have 14 kids or not. But once these children are born, the debate is over. The kids are alive. They need our support and love, not our criticism and condemnation. Children are of infinite value. And the debate as to whether they should be or not be, once they in fact are, does not reflect our truer, inner goodness.
Very very well written, but go explain this to a goy who has a empty life!
if it works for the kollel world with 8 kids and no real job or education and dependancy on parents, stipends and gvt programs, why cant everyone else do it?
“But once these children are born, the debate is over.”
First, who said she won’t do it again?!
Second, perhaps this will be a lesson to other crazies out there not to do the same thing!
Large families are nice, but the country is saying to her “not on my nickel.” The same for the frum famnilies who expect support from family and government programs. Time to stand on your own two feet. Not on our nickel!
The issue is that this woman had enough funds to pay for plastic surgery and together with the fact that she retained a publicist would indicate that she has just had these children to get some attention. In addition, a further problem is that she doesnt even have a father in the childrens life and seems as if she is too busy giving the media interviews than caring for heer newborn children and the other six (6) children.
>>Large families are nice, but the country is saying to her “not on my nickel.”
Understandable. BUT! Who is going to take out their garbage and patrol their streets, grow and deliver their food etc when they are 60 or 70 or 80+???
Looking at it as “a single Mom moocher” makes it seem bad. But what is the alternative? A low birth rate cannot sustain any society. They will just resort to immigration. So the choice is fund other citizens babies today, or bring in people from other countries later. This, perhaps, is the crux of the matter. They actually believe that American children are worthless, and that those brought up from other countries are superior.
This is very dangerous. Just imagine if the govt decided we can only have a certain amount of kids. Or if the govt decided we could only have a certain sex of kid?
There is a country like this already….. ITS CALLED COMMUNIST CHINA!!
As I usually bash Boteach on his writings, when he writes something I completely agree with I must comment.
Very well written piece. He does have some excellent values.
Since we’re down six million plus all those porential children, we have a lot of catching up to do. Jews are the last people who can be accused of overpopulating the world.
The questions is if you have to rally on “tzeduka” – government, who told you its a chuyev to have more after having a boy and a girl?
I don’t see the difference between this women having 14 kids and the Chassidishe familes who have even more than 14 kids. They both can’t support their families, so why jump all over this women for having all these kids if you do the same???
A REAL QUESTION, a large family is only a little mitzve, a how can you rally on the support of others, (rashi msacte bitzah page 37 ktzas mitzva)
Although I agree that today’s society may value $ more than children, it is irresponsible TO THEM to not have some sort of cheshbon! You can’t keep popping them out with no plan. “Im ein kemach, ein torah”
#12 What does “rally” on tzeduka mean, is that some kind of party? And there is no such word as “chuyev”! Maybe you meant chiyuv? What about “B’erev al tanach yodecha”? And the Rambam (favorite of liberal secularists) says about every child we bring into this world ” Ke’ilu boneh olam”!!!
I was wondering the same things myself, regarding the endless hate for the woman who had 8 babies, what about the buildings upon buildings of people getting practically everything in their life for free on the taxpayers dollar, what about illegal immigrants who can walk in to the hospitals and just get treated for nothing…
It is part of the olam hofuch that is liberalism..you cannot kiill a murderer, hurt a terrorist, or even think of cutting down a tree…but kill the damn lady who had the audacity to do something really stupid.
Shmuly as always a pleasure to read your articles its right on the button
dont forget why we merited to be liberated from egypt. the women had six at once, and the boys were thrown into the water! and we r worried about having kids because of financial difficulties?!
A person on welfare should not be having kids and we, the taxpayer, shouldn’t be paying for them. Why is Medicaid paying for IVT? People have Medicaid because they can’t pay for their own life, let alone yet another!!!
The fact that these children are there does not mean she should be able to keep them. Support the children, not the mother.
some people enjoy kids,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,some do not ,,,,,,,,what works for one does not necessarily work for everyone .but to say that everyone fits into the category of enjoying your kids is not reality…..most people would rather deal with one or two kids and live a fulfilling life and thats not called being selfish at all….
its difficult to read what some writers write in here the unbeleivable naivete all of you who mention hashem are in a fantasy land of youre own #24 is right on
does hashem send you a check every month for your mortgage or rent?
copouts is what you are mindless thinking make up any excuse and beleive in youre own lies
Very well written article.
Shmuly, why don’t you learn your facts before blaming the economic situation on the CEOS of these banks. What about the millions of Americans that took out mortgages and lied on their applications when they knew they couldn’t afford them? It just shows your ignorance of the situation. It doesn’t look “cool” to blame wall st.
This lady needs psychological help. She is an unfit mother and should not have had those children. And this country, where a lady can get collagen in her lips on welfare money needs a refuah shelaima.
The American people have spoken. They voted for Obama and his big tax and spend vision. The welfare, err, public assistance, comes along with it. If so, why not go with the flow? If the richest amongst us, the corporate CEOs, get government money, why not the poorest amongst us, especially the ones with a lot of children, get government money too?
#10- I am waiting for them to bash the Rabbonim. Why not? If they are the ones that empower the molesters they must be the ones that empower the poor to collect government programs. Makes sense, right? They must empower Obama with his tax and spend programs, right?
#24- You are pathetic. You once heard a concept and now you asesrt a fact about it? First learn the pshat of adam lamal yulad and then blog. Your blog reflects your idiocy. If I ever need to know the pshat in something or I will call you. On second thought, if I need to hear stupidity I will call you.
The problem people have with this woman has is her mental instability. I don’t care if she wants to have 14 kids, but at least have a spose! This has nothing to do with religion, just common sense. How does a single parent raise 14 babies?
It is ridiculous to compare this woman with regular married couples who chose to have lots of children. This poor woman is mentally unstable. The doctor who gave her the IVF is the one to blame, along with the system that allows him to do so.
I knoe a person who learned in kollel he right o way had a child. he went to compliant that if he will have so easy children he won’t be able to learn. after a short time his wife became very sick……. and since then he is crying I won’t more children.
SO WE HAVE TO BE CAREFULL WHAT WE SAY.
As I understand it, she had these children through In -Vitro fertilization, because she could not have them the natural way. Now that’s BIG BUCKS.!!!! Where did the money come from? Countless COUPLES are struggling to to get the funds together to have just one try at this procedure. I think she is crazy or looking for publicity…or both. The doctors that performed this , should be brought up on charges.
the same who gives life also gives to live. and a little bitochon helps….
I don’t understand this heter of not having more kids only because of financial reasons.Would you not buy shmura matzos and wine for pesach because its too expensive??!And if you do have the means to support your kids today, does it mean you’ll have tomorrow?!What kind of cheshbonos are you making with hashem??
For all the KOFRIM here who say it is not a “mitzvah” to have more than 2 children: What about the mitzvos that come from having children? Is Brit Milah not a mitzvah anymore after already having one son? What about making another Yid who grows up to perform mitzvot? From each child you have come COUNTLESS mitzvos! There were generations who lived before you, and generations who will live after you.
I disagree that America does not support large families. In the past, women who gave birth to multiple children at a time are supported and do not have the wrath that this Suleman has drawn because they were married and had a financial support system to provide for their children. There are shows on the The Learning Channel that celebrate large families, such as the show “Jon & Kate plus 8” which follows a family that has a set of sextuplets and twins or “17 Kids and Counting” about the Duggars, who’s family continues to grow in size every year or so. Its because they are exemplary and have a support system, a financial system and are able to care for their children.
Miss Suleman has been shown to have likely mental issues, has poor family support and no husband. It seems like she has children to emulate her “role model” Angelina Jolie who actually has a lot of money to live however she wishes to, whether its adopting,or having children with her boyfriend.
Its not wrong for a woman to want children, to love children, this is completely natural. But to continue to have large amounts of children, with no money, no husband, and to pursue selling exclusive interviews to make money off the celebrity of being a mom of multiples is outrageous. Its as if these children are accessories in a desperate attempt to be famous and adored. i think this is why America is so outraged.
The issue here is that the woman had that many kids because she wanted to have a tv show and be famous. She did not have her children just to enjoy them and because she had the desire to be a mother. She was on disability, living with her parents and for some odd reason felt that have a lot of kids would make her life better financially & make her famous. This is why people are mad at her. She had children in order to exploit them. This is especially a hard pill to swallow for the hundreds of women who would love to be mothers and experience the true joys of parenthood but cannot bear children & keep getting the run around from adoption agencies. As a fertility challenged [single] woman, I’m upset that she would be so foolish and would more than anything love to give those children [or any other child in need of family] a warm loving home because I want children in my life and want to help them grow into vibrant, educated spiritual adults.
It is wonderful to have large families. But who is going to support all of these people in the future?? Unfortunately, we have plenty of people who barely get by …
Wasnt shmuley boteach asked by the NY Jewish Week only recently, why he writes books with salacious titles and his response was — “Because I have 9 kids and only two kidneys!” Some people take their parenting responsibilities serious.
The reason people are upset with this woman is because she is unwed. Children should have a father. And since she already had six children (without a father)she should not have had any more. The first 6 fatherless kids were bad enough. As far as Frum people having large familes, we should not be comparing ourselves to goyim. We have to have bitachon that Hashem will provide for us whatever we need.(Who says we need all the gasmiusdik luxuries that most people take for granted nowadays?) One should only limit having children due to health reasons, physical or emotional.
I don’t have as much a problem with the large family, as I do with the fact that this “family” lacks a family structure. Also, government programs are meant to help those who don’t have. They’re not intended for those who choose to squander their money on plastic surgery, publicists, vacations, cars, etc and then have none left for food and medicine.
I loved seeing this article for so many reasons. These have been my thoughts for a long time, and it was refreshing to finally see it expressed by someone else. The ending paragraphs I agree with so much.
There’s nothing like the joy of children.
I just wrote up a whole rant about this…I’ll copy over part of it.
Now on the one hand I understand this, people earned money and they don’t want to feel obligated to pay from their hard earned money to this stranger. It would probably work better if they set up a organization where people can contribute to support her, so that they can give charity and it won’t be mandatory.
But yet this really angers me, because what is it saying? It’s saying that people are being selfish, they want their money, and they think money comes before a person’s life. Here you already have 8 babies, are you saying your money is more important than their lives? It’s one thing if the children weren’t born yet, and you would have to pay taxes for this lady to have fertility treatment. But once the babies are born, if they aren’t being supported, then its like your killing them.
It is unfair for people to bring children into the world that will not be properly supported. This applies not only to this bowl of crazy flakes, Nadya Suleman, but also to Jewish families. If neither the husband or wife have a job (I mean a real job that can bring in enough revenue that can properly support how many kids the couple plans on having) then it is irresponsible to have more than a certain amount of children. It is unfair to the children, who will not have the proper upbringing or learn what it means to be a responsible parent and do the right thing for one’s child. It is also unfair to the mother, who will have a difficult time raising these children and will never stop working for these children that she simply cannot afford to raise, let alone have a life of her own. It is also not fair to the taxpayer because it is the average person and taxpayer that is giving their money to the government to pay for the family that will be getting welfare, government money, etc. because of someone else’s thoughtless decision. I won’t even get into why that isn’t fair. It is a given that every Yid needs time to learn, but it is necessary to have a sense of responsibility and balance learning and earning a living so one can support themselves and their family. The bottom line is, don’t have more kids than you can afford to raise.
My personal opinion is that people claiming to have many kids due to their unselfish and complete love to kids is a hypocrite!
For example, if you love food and you’re going to restaurants 3 times a day, or you would be in the kitchen all day preparing meals for yourself would that make you an unselfish person?
Regarding kids it is the opposite, by having many kids you show that you love yourself, because your having all these kids to satisfy your self the same way you satisfy your self when eating lots of food, what’s the difference.
Also you should ask yourself what is going to happen to the love I have for the kid when he matures, he’s no longer that tiny sweet little baby, am I going to be able to provide him with the attention required? Are you going to be able to financially assist all those kids that you love? Or as soon as they get marries you’ll shut them out of your financial beneficiaries?
In our community those with many kids have them on the account of the older siblings, and due to their mothers outrageous appetite and love for kids they’re being asked assisting their parents with the many tasks required to raise a baby.
By doing this these mothers are stealing their kids of their youth and they’re forcefully turning them into 10 year old mothers and fathers and stealing them of their well deserved youth.
You should only have lots of kids when you meet the following conditions.
Enough money
Strong nerves
Your capable of raising them yourself without involved child labor.
I was reading all the comments and couldnt belive that in the yiddeshe world people only found non jews with money. There are plenty of jewish families who cn well afford there wonders of joy. to all those who have kids counting there income it will not help money comes and money goes, people with large families may have regular expenses that a family has whil a smaller families if hashem wants good grant you a life full of troubles using your money for all diffrent types of help.
It is nobodies bussines how many kids anybody has as long as there is a strong stable marriage and they are being taken care of.
It seems to me that a lot of hiemishe pepole have a need to excuse themselves why they have large families even between us, it became a peer pressur which is a great shame. The Only thing Im really bothered is when people with 2,3 or more kids divorce and say it was never goodor it wasnt for me, if so dont go ahead and have a family of kids. work on your marriage first (besides yu might find its a lot better than you think just those arguments than turn full blas if no att given at the beggining)and then have a family.
And for the mother of octuplets you dont go ahead and do that if youre not married.
Should hashem grand us all the wisdom to do whats right and lots of nachas.
I looked around in Bhm’d and I can say, with full confidence!, there is not a single person who I can say that he is poor because he has a lot of children to support! ironically, most of the wealthy and rich people or the ones with big families!
it costs les money to support 10 childern then those small familys it just about alittle selflessnis and not being foolish tothe american way of life that everything has to be just so
For parents who can raise and support their large families my hats off to you. We are dealing with a bit of the other side of this issue. A family member and his wife continue ( now 7 children) to have babies and they can not support them. They beg and guilt family members to help and support them. They place terrible guilt on his parents whom retired and now broke themselves after ten years almost of supporting a huge family on their retirement. It is sad and irresponsibe. They tell us that God will give them only what they handle and that God will provide. This is followed by something like- I need $10,000 to pay bills for the next few months. If they do not get it then they have the young kids guilt the family. It has caused terrible family problems for many. They have struggled since baby #2 - and added 5 more to the mix.
I read this and just laugh! If you think children are the only special thing in this world you have another thing comming! Your childrens children will have to pay for your poor judgement and lack of logical thinking, i know this article is old but really!
What about all the other systems on our planet, if everyone has so many kids…like lots of families do, what does that mean for these system our race is so dependent on! Think how much resources this demands on the planet, how do you think we got in this mess in the first place…..
You have to understand that all life is special, not just mankind! By being selfish and having so many kids you force development on a vast scale, food, clothing, land… and it goes on! 9 kids will go on and have 9 families and so forth…..
so my last word for you is do you think there is a endless amout of taking from the planet with no consequence? I ask you to wake up and teach your children to see the bigger picture and not just there short 80 odd years of life…. id like my kids to live on a planet i grew up on, one with still untouched wilderness, with amazing creatures great and small!