New York – Op-Ed: A Vindication Of Chassidim With Conviction Of Eternal Judaism

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    New York – The Silent Majority has once again been caught off-guard and come under attack; we dare not remain silent in the face of our new challenger – Deborah Feldman, a formerly Chassidic, young woman who left Judaism and wrote her memoir “Unorthodox: The Scandalous Rejection of my Hasidic Roots” (Simon and Schuster).

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    After reading recent newspaper articles and viewing televised interviews of her, I could not allow this tremendous Chillul Hashem to take place without attempting to take a stand against it. I confronted her at her book reading debut last week (2/15/2012, 6pm at the Corner Book Store, 1313 Madison Avenue, NYC) and in the presence of a reporter who recorded me, explained that while she undoubtedly suffered a traumatic childhood, adolescence, and marriage, her experience does not authorize her to disparage Torah and Mitzvohs, nor does she represent the entire gamut of Chassidim. After reading her book, with a heavy heart, I write this article — based on my experience counseling Chassidic youth at risk and my journey earning a law degree while remaining committed to Torah and Mitzvohs.

    As I watched in disbelief, as Feldman disparaged Torah observance on the Barbara Walters Show, and observed her interact artificially with people at the bookstore, I was convinced that not only did she have literary aptitude but that she had theatrical skill as well. How else could she deceive so many people by distorting our values and making a mockery of us? In her book she writes of an incident when she feigned seeing a mouse in class, causing her classmates to shriek in horror. She writes “What an actress I am. A white face and trembling hands to go with my scream. To think what I can do with a skill such as this – the ability to convince others of emotions I don’t really feel! It is a thrilling thought.” (pg 23).

    The vast majority of Chassidim are moral, religious, Torah observant Jews who traditionally and proudly raise children to be Torah observant and defer to altruistic and pious leaders in personal and communal matters. Chassidic children have classically been imbued with love and respect for G-D, their parents, and Rebbe. How and why could Feldman scandalously turn her back on her family, community and religion? We must comprehend why she attacks the fundamental principles of our faith with vengeance and thrill, rebut and counter her arguments with conviction, and pray that she finds her way back.

    Since founding B’Derech in 2008, the organization advocating for Chassidic youth, I have counseled countless of challenged adolescents and adults struggling in their observance of Judaism. Children raised in dysfunctional homes typically misconstrue religion as the source of their pain; and in the case of a dysfunctional Chassidic family, the child will rebel and blame the Rebbe and Chassidism as the basis for his anguish. Feldman relates that she was “abandoned by a mother who left the faith, to become a Lesbian, and a father who was mentally disabled.” Her family was sadly dysfunctional, leaving her bereft of maternal love and devoid of paternal guidance – surely, the abuse and neglect left Feldman deeply hurt and scarred. She writes, “I feel unloved. By my parents, yes, and by the people who reject me for being their offspring, and by my aunts and cousins who look down at me because I’m evidence of a familial scandal, but mostly I feel unloved by G-D, who surely put me here and forgot about me. Without G-D’s love, what chance do I have at happiness?” (pg 97).

    Faranak Margolese conducted extensive research on why people leave Judaism. In her book Off the Derech, she accurately concludes “Sadly, most formerly observant Jews today seem to have left, not because the outside world pulled them in, but rather because the observant one pushed them out. They experienced Judaism as a source of pain rather than joy… So they were not running to the outside world as much as they were running away from our own (Devora Publishing, 2005).

    Using the theory of inductive reasoning, Feldman invokes her personal tragic childhood and failed marriage (which certainly deepened her pain) to disparage the fundamental principles of the Jewish religion observed by religious Jews for more than three thousand years. These Mitzvohs have been passed by Mesorah – our heritage of an unbroken chain which began at Mount Sinai and continued from generation to generation, and will outlive Feldman and her cohorts and supporters dedicated to leading challenged Chassidim astray.

    Countless youth at risk within and without our community, who suffer similar abuse and neglect, and even those from stable homes, can empathize with Feldman. But empathy has its limitation – defaming the Satmar community in particular and Judaism in general cannot be condoned. It is incumbent upon the Torah observant community to proudly and defiantly stand up and refute these bogus claims and champion Torah and Mitzvohs with pride and conviction.

    Samuel Langhorne Clemens (1835-1910), the classic American author and lecturer better known for his pen name Mark Twain was inspired by the eternity of the Jews. In his essay Concerning the Jews, he wrote: “If the statistics are right, the Jews constitute but one percent of the human race … Properly the Jew ought hardly to be heard of, but he is heard of, has always been heard of …He has made a marvellous fight in the world, in all the ages; and has done it with his hands tied behind him … The Egyptian, the Babylonian, and the Persian rose, filled the planet with sound and splendor, then faded to dream-stuff and passed away; the Greek and the Roman followed, and made a vast noise, and they are gone …The Jew saw them all, beat them all, and is now what he always was, exhibiting no decadence, no infirmities of age, no weakening of his parts, no slowing of his energies, no dulling of his alert and aggressive mind. All things are mortal but the Jew; all other forces pass, but he remains. What is the secret of his immortality? (Harper’s Magazine, Sept. 1899).

    The Jewish Nation’s immortality is no secret; in fact, our eternity dates back to G-D’s promise to Avraham (Bereshis 17:7) “And I will establish my covenant (bris) between Me and you and your descendants after you throughout their generations, an eternal covenant to be to you a G-D and to all your children after you.” What if the Jewish people become undeserving of G-D’s covenant? Will G-D still honor His promise? The Prophet Yirmeyahu assured us “But even in those days [when because of their sins punishments will be brought on the Jewish people], declares G-D, I will not make a complete destruction [of you].” (Yirmeyahu 5:18). If eternity is our covenant, why are Chassidic youth raised in religious, Torah observant homes experiencing Judaism as a source of pain and going off the derech?

    Rabbi Dovid Sapirman, founder of the Ani Maamin Foundation who has been involved in chinuch and kiruv rechokim and kerovim for over forty years writes in his book Emunah at Home and in the Classroom, “Most of the kids who ‘go off’ were never really ‘on’ to begin with. If they aren’t convinced and inspired while they are still among us, don’t feel the sense of mission, and view Torah and Mitzvos as not more than a burden (at best), is it any surprise that they can be so easily enticed to leave it behind them. It’s not just that they’re running to the internet, etc. They are really running away from Judaism. They frantically seek somewhere to escape. The street is their haven, because it represents freedom from a system that they feel totally unconnected to.” (Torah Umesorah Publications, 2011)

    The vast majority of Chassidim are benevolent, compassionate and caring people, who recently have been plagued and silenced by small pockets of fanatic extremists. These extremists are constantly vying for power and quest reigning control over the masses by promulgating radical decrees often enforced by manipulation and coercion. Feldman’s statement in her interview with the New York Post (February 7, 2012) “Over the past 10 or 20 years [the Hasidic community] has gone from being extreme to being ultra-extreme” is true and her traumatic defection appears to be a result of such extremism. The invasion of extremism and internal strife created by a small number of power greedy individuals has unfortunately infiltrated many Chassidic communities around the world.

    We need to heed Moshe’s warning of Lo Sosefu — You shall not add to the words that I command you, nor shall you subtract from it to observe the commandments of Hashem (Devarim 4:2). Let the silent majority of Chassidim stand up to the fanatics who promulgate excessively restrictive decrees and bans on our society by invoking in children fear of a vengeful G-D. We need to wrest control of our community from these extremists, who in the guise of Torah, arbitrarily set standards not based on halacha, for example, to reject or expel children from yeshiva, based on minutiae such as the length of a boy’s overcoat. These practices are alien to Judaism and emulate the fundamentalist beliefs of other religions invariably resulting in the defiance exhibited by Feldman and others who rebel.

    In transmitting the Mitzvohs, our mantra should be VeAhavta es Hashem Elokecha –You shall love Hashem, your G-D, with all your heart, with all your soul … (Devarim 6:5). It is our duty to impress upon our children that love is a condition precedent to observing Mitzvohs. We must elucidate to children that our faith is based on knowledge of G-D, as Moshe instructed, Atoh Horaisa l’Daas – You have been shown to know that Hashem, He is the G-D! There is none beside Him (Devarim 4:35).

    Our ancestors witnessed the revelation at Mount Sinai and accepted the Torah, proclaiming Naaseh v’Nishmah based on knowledge of G-D’s power by witnessing the Exodus from Egypt. G-D did not demand blind faith from us and we should not demand it from our children. We need to encourage questions and allow children to probe the basic tenets of our faith. A child should never be criticized for asking questions so that when he is faced with challenges and/or pain, he will not escape to the streets, but will be confident that there is a loving Father in Heaven to whom he can pray for salvation– a Father who will never break his eternal covenant with His children.

    While the Satmar community must surely have reached out to Feldman, it was sadly to no avail; as she most certainly lacked the foundational religious beliefs to support her through her turbulent upbringing and marriage. Unfortunately, she rejected her family, her community, her religion and now castigates them. She asserts that Chassidic girls wear skirts that cover their ankles and shirts that cover their wrists and jeers at Chassidic women who shave their hair off and wear wigs. I know many women, among my friends and family members, who readily follow this practice with sincerity.

    In her New York Post interview, Feldman alleges that we dress prudish; however, Chassidic women are respected for who we are, our spirituality and personality – not merely our physical bodies. While we respect rules of modesty, we dress quite well and the shops we patronize carry designer labels and classy, fashionable apparel and lingerie. While I mingled with my fellow law students at Brooklyn Law School, I was proudly different in appearance. My skirts were below my knee, my sleeves below the elbow, and my head always covered by a wig – which I was unashamed of and discussed openly with my fellow students and professors – and did not in any way hamper the ability to fulfill my dream and earn a Law Degree. In fact, through my outreach activities in law school, two young female attorneys have embraced Torah and Mitzvohs, and are now raising beautiful religious families.

    While Chassidic girls do not study the Talmud, most of us learn to read the Hebrew text of the Torah and Talmud. Contrary to her statement on the Barbara Walters show, most Chassidic girls have a secular education beyond 4th grade and many of us have read the classic novels that Feldman mentions. I find it surprising that she identifies with the authors Louisa May Alcott and Jane Austin, who were both religious women with a solid sense of morality. While their characters were strong women, they were exceptionally modest and respected the values of their society, and behaved more analogous to our traditional lifestyle than the one Feldman chose. I have counseled many women from the non-Jewish world, who secretly and fearfully come to court crying for help from abusive boyfriends and fathers of their children. They have learned the sorrowful results of a pleasure-seeking life without rules.

    If Chassidic women or men yearn for a degree in pursuit of higher education, they need not become disheartened by Feldman’s experience. I earned my Bachelor’s Degree at Touro College and graduated with many other religious women who chose to embark on a path of advanced education without compromising religious values. Additionally, B’Derech has recently formed a combined GED/Associate’s College Degree programs catering to the Chassidic community’s needs. I am fortunate to be part of a typical, warm Chassidic family and blessed with a supportive spouse who serves as a paradigm Talmudic scholar, dedicated husband and father, and is meticulous in his observance of Torah and Mitzvohs. I therefore, cannot condemn Feldman personally but strongly discredit her philosophy and desertion of Torah values in pursuing her goals.

    Feldman scorns the Laws of Nidah — Jewish family purity — and ridicules what we have venerated and observed for centuries, claiming they made her feel “gross” and like an “animal.” I condemn and take offense at this covert misrepresentation of the sentiments of observant Jewish women. I, and countless women who observe these laws, can attest to their wisdom and benefit to the marriage allowing the woman time for rejuvenation. There is separation and reunion which heighten the affection between husband and wife. It is of no surprise that statistics show the divorce rate among religious and Chassidic Jews to be far lower than in secular communities.

    Dr. Joseph Menczer, a gynecological oncologist in the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology at the Wolfson Medical Center in Holon, Israel has published articles in The Israel Medical Association Journal, on the low incidence of cervical cancer in Jewish women. While he asserts that further research is necessary, he wrote, “An additional distinct characteristic is the observance of the Jewish religious law of Nidah …Cervical cancer seems indeed to be more common in secular than in Orthodox Jewish women who observe the law.” (IMAJ, Volume 13, November 2011).

    The Jewish Week (February 16, 2012) reported that a gruesome murder and subsequent cover-up which Feldman relates in her book seems not to be true. Feldman’s allegations are replete with distortions, including that we have a “lackadaisical attitude toward health and safety,” that “women aren’t allowed to eat out” and that “women can’t be on the street after a certain hour.” She asserts that she was forced into marriage casting suspicion that arranged Chassidic marriages are forced. During the past three years, my husband and I have merited marrying off two sons. The immense time, effort and devotion Chassidic parent invest in finding the “bashert” for their child, is an act of love – but only the first step in the process. The young man and woman must then meet and spend time together and consent to the marriage. We conscientiously prepare our children for marriage and transmit the notion that marriage is a sacred bond between man, woman and G-D.

    More than fifteen years ago, my husband and I purchased a summer home neighboring the Satmar community in Kiryas Joel. We are Chassidic, but not Satmar, yet every summer we have been warmly welcomed by the Satmar community. In the summer of 2004, and the beginning of my final year in law school, a chance encounter with Satmar Chassidim at the Woodbury Zoning Board of Appeals culminated in the opening of my practice in Monroe. Ironically, during my years in school, I was cautioned that a Chassidic woman had slim chances of success in law. Yet, it was unbiased Satmar Chassidim, who sought my counsel, providing me with the privilege to learn who they really are. My clients are men and women from the various Satmar segments and communities, and from all walks of life. I know them very well and am qualified to testify to their true character as fervent followers of the faith who embody Jewish ideals of Tzeddakah charity, Chessed loving kindness and generosity of spirit.

    Eternal Judaism coupled with our commitment to Torah and Mitzvohs, have made an indelible mark in the annals of history. In his book A History of the Jews, Historian Paul Johnson writes in his epilogue: “To [the Jews] we owe the idea of… the sanctity of life…of individual conscience … and so, of social responsibility; of peace as an abstract ideal and love as the foundation of justice, and many other items which constitute the basic moral furniture of the human mind. Without the Jews, it [the world] might have been a much emptier place. Above all, the Jews taught us how to rationalize the unknown. The result was monotheism, and the three great religions which profess it. It is almost beyond our capacity to imagine how the world would have fared if the Jews had never emerged.”

    Let us stand tall and face our new challenge by emulating David HaMelech who proclaimed Gadlu L’Hashem Eetee — Declare the greatness of Hashem with me. (Tehilim 34:4). May every Jewish child mature into a proud, faithful and content adult dedicated to Torah values and Mitzvohs. May we, with our children, be eternally proud of Chassidus and our eternal covenant so that we inspire others as we proudly carry the banner of an Ohr l’Goyim a Light unto the Nations –B’Derech HaTorah Neylech.

    Ruchie (Rachel) Freier, Esq. is a practicing Charedi attorney, admitted in New York, New Jersey and the District of Columbia, with offices in Brooklyn and Monroe. In 2008 she founded B’Derech, the organization advocating for Chassidic youth. She is a member of the New York State Bar Association’s Committee on Children & the Law and New York City Family Court Attorney Volunteer Program. She can be reached at She can be reached at [email protected] or 718-259-4525.


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    169 Comments
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    lbpss
    lbpss
    12 years ago

    Thank you Ruchy for a beautiful, very well written article. I just have one comment to make, Devorah was loved in the community, what enough love is I do not know, but she was given as much love by her grandparents, aunts, cousins and friends that they were able to give. It is very sad that it was not enough for her, however I do wish that she would let go of her past and try to live a happy, healthy life for her sake and for the sake of her son. If she finds happiness being non-orthodox then so be it, but I hope she finds happiness in her life. Everyone has a story and a past, some worse than others, but those that are able to let go are leading as fulfilling a life as possible. Thanks again.

    sandymoos
    sandymoos
    12 years ago

    I remember when I was at Yeshiva, one of the rabbis taught us the difference between “learning” and “learning about”. Ms Freier says that she is not Satmar; she shouldn’t comment about what goes on there…she’s on the outside, looking in….

    Trolly_McTrollerston
    Trolly_McTrollerston
    12 years ago

    I’m confused, in your ramblings…
    (as a lawyer, you should have learned to present a more focused argument)
    you present two theories for going OTD: Faranak Margolese and R’David Sapirmam which are at odds with each other (although the book author seems to be of the former) which one do you subscribe to?

    gittyaa
    gittyaa
    12 years ago

    Making someone feel like a shmatta, is makor kol hatzoris.

    LEEAVE
    LEEAVE
    12 years ago

    This feldman bum, is gonna blame every1 but herself she has become a self hating jew, and as the gemura tells us: this is worst thatn a non-jew,
    Let’s be mispalel she should do tshuva and come back 1 day
    Nebech on her not on us, there is no community on the world who does more chesed and show more love than us chasidim,
    U can’t deny the truth u can only mock us n its gonna fall on death ears the end Of the day!

    toolee
    toolee
    12 years ago

    Ms R Freier you make us proud.

    ayoldguy1
    ayoldguy1
    12 years ago

    I haven’t read the book yet so I can’t comment on most of the article here. I did watch the Barbara Walters interview, however, on The View TV show, and I didn’t see any disparagement of Torah, mitzvot, or Torah values. Ms. Walters, in fact, went so far as to say that the book and interview were not a condemnation of the religion or lifestyle.
    Please set the record straight in this regard. Thank you.

    Babishka
    Member
    Babishka
    12 years ago

    The reason this book has appeal is because of all the juicy and salacious gossip it contains. Another big scandal will come along and this book and its contents will be forgotten!

    I was raised in a non-observant home and became Orthodox as an adult. One of my secular relatives became involved in a scandal several years ago. I could write a juicy “tell all” but it would hurt my mother.

    12 years ago

    we dont need to defend ourselvs. At all!

    PowerUp
    PowerUp
    12 years ago

    its one thing being dissapointed in judaism and going OTD, which i can still be ”dan lkaf zechus” with all the baggege she had, but going to the media?? giving this interview to the post??? showing no respect whatsoever to another jew??? this shows of real character issues.

    there is no ”dan lkaf zechus” for that, other the n the fact that she is hungry for money and fame.

    12 years ago

    Ruchy Freier has shown who she truly is: an educated, proud, Frum Jewish woman, secure in her own skin.

    L’havdil, Feldman is a lost soul who, because of her own inadequacies, seeks to make Frum Yidden korbonos for her miserable, wrecked life. I feel sorry for her ex-husband, her child & extended family. I have no pity for a crazy dysfunctional woman who sensationalizes her craziness and humiliates a whole community for financial gain & notoriety.

    curious
    curious
    12 years ago

    What caught my attention in the interview was that all the things that Feldman didn’t like about Judaism, weren’t really part of Judaism. They were chumros piled upon chumros. It is a perfect example of kul hamoisef migoiraiah. Of course some things she said were exaggerations, but many things she said were true. Chasidim will continue to lose neshamos r”l if they continue to tell their constituents that it is their way or the highway.

    seebee
    seebee
    12 years ago

    I want to thank Mrs. Frier for taking the time to research the facts so thoroughly, and making the effort to confront this angry and misguided individual and enlighten us.We need more people to investigate and speak up in situations where Kovod Hamokom demands separating the facts from the fluff and outright lies. Well done!

    yitzgood
    yitzgood
    12 years ago

    Rachel Freier’s article was beautiful and inspiring, although a bit too lengthy.
    However, I wanted to assist her in her presentation. In the paragraph beginning “The Jewish nation’s immortality is no secret…” , she quoted from Yirmiyahu ch.5 the promise that Gd would never abandon us even if we did not deserve it. A much better and powerful quote for EVERYONE TO KNOW is from his words in chapter 31, vs. 34-36. This awesome promise of guaranteed non-abandonment no matter what the “seed of Israel” ever does – this promise that we will remain forever the nation before him exlusively – is the most powerful in Tanach, and the greatest argument to counter the church’s claim that we are abandoned because we did not accept their “savior.” That is why the navi used the very unusual “seed of Israel” here. We are the only SEED, from Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov. EVERY JEW SHOULD MEMORIZE THESE VERSES, and if he ever encounters a missionary trying to convert him, he will silence him totally with these verses.

    PMOinFL
    PMOinFL
    12 years ago

    The sad reality is that this is a very disturbed young woman who never got the help, love, support and knowledge that she needed. I feel bad for her. Her life is meaningless and empty. But why does she have to try to drag everyone else down with her? I’m sure there are many people who can refute her fairy tales. Why are they not speaking out?

    Look, there are fanatical crazy people in every group, including our own groups. We have rapists, drug addicts and spousal abusers. That is all TRUE. So, I accept that she may have been the victim of some dirty people. But that is no excuse to disparage EVERYONE.

    Had she written about her experiences with SPECIFIC animals who mistreated her, I could understand. I might have even taken her side. I might have even wanted to reach out to her. Instead, she made up lies and used the media to create a chillul H” and smear us all. Now, I hope she never has a single moment of peace in her life. I hope that she is tortured (mentally) her entire life. May she never have a single night’s sleep in peace.

    MosheM
    MosheM
    12 years ago

    Very well written.

    haskail
    haskail
    12 years ago

    I read through the book,and I felt it,as memoir of Ms.Feldman’s personal experience.
    It is not an attack on the Jewish way of life. It just did not work for her. We should respect that,and not classify her bas a bad apple.
    She may change her mind,or not.
    To each his own.
    The book is factually correct.

    2smart
    2smart
    12 years ago

    “The invasion of extremism and internal strife created by a small number of power greedy individuals has unfortunately infiltrated many Chassidic communities around the world.”
    I believe that extremism along with per-pressure are the source of many problems.
    We should educated our youth to feel free to open up to their mentors so they can guide them in any detraction they feel more comfortable.
    When I was forced to sit in Kollel I didn’t had anyone to encourage me to do what I felt was better for me, so I did it on my own, with some back fire.

    12 years ago

    Sorry but your attempts at defending Orthodoxy and Chassidus are apologetic and fall short. The truth is there is no defence vis a vis Ms. Feldman. She grew up with a terrible family life and one can not but pity her for that. She is no more to blame for leaving her faith then someone who went through the holocaust. In her case, her religion,community, and culture, are partially to blame. You can not deny that an arranged marriage for a girl who is 17 or 19, is not a forced or coerced marriage. Even if she met the guy once or twice before the wedding and her family had all the best intentions and love for her, and even if she consented, there is still an element of coercion. You can attempt to defend the closed off walled of lifestyle of the Chassidic/Charedi/Yeshivish community and paint it as beautiful, however the truth is, that it is the rejection of modernity and a refusal to synthesize frumkeit with the modern world, that is directly responsible for a large amount of our communal problems and the OTD issue. We have a tendancy to denigrate “Modern Othodoxy” but imagine if Ms Feldman had been given a different type of education, perhaps she would still be frum.

    Avi613
    Avi613
    12 years ago

    Please Mrs Freier pls go on the b walters show and give the world the emes!

    rikki
    Member
    rikki
    12 years ago

    Thanks for these written thoughts!! Again, Deborah grew up in a dysfunctional family and blames everyone else!! If she’s so smart, she would know she could make a beautiful wonderful life by, at the least, being Kosher and Shomer Shabbat. She’s learned nothing from her life experiences. Her son is growing up just as confused and dysfunctional as she did. He may seem O.K. now–just as she did growing up–but he’ll also write his memoirs some time in the future and he’ll be just as nasty to her as she’s been to others. Noone’s perfect — but we strive to perfect ourselves through Torah observance and being the best we can be!

    Rebyid40
    Rebyid40
    12 years ago

    While I appreciate Ms. Frier’s attempt to defend against the chillul hash-m brought about by Deborah Feldman’s book, I think she is undermining her credibility by not addressing (at all) the shortcomings of the chassidic lifestyle. She needs to be more intellectually honest.

    MIESQ
    MIESQ
    12 years ago

    Although I thought the article was a bit lengthy that does not take away from recognizing that OTD may be a reasonable response to an impossible situation one finds by staying on the Derech. That being said there is another aspect to note is that the OTDer’s own responsibility to seek faith and experience Hashems love. Certainly time has come to move the community from an idylized conformity to greated tolerance/accetence for individuals who do not fit the mold.

    12 years ago

    As a therapist who has read this book, I applaud Deborah for her insights.
    Far too many of my patients have had the same marital experience as she had, yet have been miserable, self medicating for year after year. Their children are affected, their health deteriorates, and they are basically hopeless. When they try to leave, they are called every horrible name in the book. Is this what G-d wants? I think not!

    When there is physical and mental abuse in the marriage, even black eyes and bruised arms, the Ruv still insists they stay married, but just be more quiet and not upset their husbands.

    Avi613
    Avi613
    12 years ago

    Excuse me #21 but most of these marriages of 18-19 year olds stay together for a lifetime!

    And overall the vast majority( not all of course but a much greater percentage than the general population) seem happily married, There may occasional ups and downs as we are human but they are remain bonded, How many of the secular married at 25 or older, stay married a lifetime?

    The facts speak for themselves…

    12 years ago

    Nebach, A runaway lesbian mother and a mentally ill father. What else can you say but Nebach. I can not understand how commenters here have the chutzpa and insensitivity to denigrate Deborah Feldman. We should be giving her Kudos for not killing herself and surviving to adulthood rather than trying to defend yiddishkeit or blame her for leaving Judaism. If I would have grown up in such a situation, I would have killed myself.

    markmoseson
    markmoseson
    12 years ago

    Well written article. thank you. I know the family very well and ill say this, her grandfather took her in and gave her a life. had she been raised by any family outside the orthodox world she would be on the street corner shooting up heroin. don’t bite the hand that feeds you. our way of life is under attack by people trying to advance their agendas by slandering their own and the newspapers will to publish this garbage. There is only that far hate can go. Guys, Please take the few minutes of your day and go to the sites that sell her book and leave a respectful negative review explaining how this book does not accurately reflect the true orthodox way of life.

    RamapoJew
    RamapoJew
    12 years ago

    The shame is that this lost soul thought her choice was satmar or off the derech. She could have left the world in which she was raised and become a “regular” Jew rather than going all the way off.

    enlightened-yid
    enlightened-yid
    12 years ago

    “I have counseled many women from the non-Jewish world, who secretly and fearfully come to court crying for help from abusive boyfriends and fathers of their children. They have learned the sorrowful results of a pleasure-seeking life without rules.”
    What does that say exactly, that there are no chassidic women in abusive marriages? And what do chassidic women in abusive marriages learn that per-arranged dating with couple of dates work? At least these non-Jewish women have the freedom and the knowledge to seek help independently. A chasidic woman in an abusive relationship is stuck dealing with community rabbis because seeking outside help is shunned.

    Funy that Mrs. lawyer quotes Faranak Margolese to defend orthodox lifestyle when Margolese has good amount of criticism against those communities throughout her book even from personal experience of being discriminated against in an Israeli yeshiva because she is from Iranian Jewish roots.
    It sounds like a desperate hit piece on Feldman without a sincere intent to discussthe over all subject matter with honesty. And they could not find a Satmar woman with these writing skills and law degree to defend their community?

    Ben_Kol
    Ben_Kol
    12 years ago

    Mrs. Freier, I commend you for defending yiddishkeit, especially the halachos of niddah, which can be very helpful in strengthening marriage.
    However, some of the marital practices that Friedman described run counter to the spirit of the niddah laws. These practices are widely observed in Satmar and other Chasidic circles.
    As the Steipler Rov zt”l has written, these practices VIOLATE THE TORAH, because the Torah commands a husband to satisfy his wife. Most chasidic women are not satisfied at all with this aspect of their marriage (unless they and their husbands break the “rules”). For the most part, they don’t realize what they are missing because they are uneducated, and they are happy in their ignorance But when a women (such as Feldman) starts reading about how things should be, how Hashem gave marital relations as a gift of joy to women, they are going to feel frustrated and angry.

    These women will want to leave their marriages, but are afraid of the stigma that will be attached to them and their children. (Thus, your point about the low Chasidic divorce rate is irrelevant.)

    12 years ago

    First of all I truly feel sorry for this lost woman. She came from a dis-functioning family. A mother who left her child to go with another person whether male or female is no mother. She claims her father was mentally ill [seems like it runs in that family]
    I really have questions on her marriage. She claims her husband was the problem but just but maybe she was the problem. Coming from a loveless home she could not give love to her husband and create a downward spiral. She criticizes aunts and everybody in in family. This I don’t go along with. Chassidim are on the whole warm people. She also does not tell about whether she had friends. Maybe and just maybe she is the problem coming from such a home and certainly need mental help.

    yosefben
    yosefben
    12 years ago

    I agree with most of the article other than allowing her to use Chasidic extremism as the cause of her “traumatic defection” from Satmar. Thes lady prove early in her book that she was narcissistic at a young age when she stated “To think what I can do with a skill such as this – the ability to convince others of emotions I don’t really feel! It is a thrilling thought” She was erev rav well before any bad life time she had.

    israelima
    israelima
    12 years ago

    Thank you for this reasoned response, Ms. Frier. I believe that Ms. Feldman has a right to tell her story, but not the right to embellish and fabricate in what is purported to be a memoir. Other authors have been chastised for doing just this. I do think it is a shame that Ms. Feldman feels the necessity to disparage her former community in an effort to sell her book. Much of what I have heard from her just does not ring true, and I hope that, if she is not being honest, that this will be revealed.

    12 years ago

    So we now have learned that sensationalism (regardless of truth) sells books, not just newspapers or magazines. Only for that, the author of the book should be commended. Her portrayal of a frum or chassidishe lifestyle as oppressive is completely inaccurate, and she should be shunned and held in disgrace for trying such a cheap shot. It is close to universal that a perpetrator of almost any forbidden behavior or crime seeks to claim the role of the victim. I have no clue about her past, and I frankly don’t care. Her diatribe against a lifestyle that is focused on serving Hashem in all aspects of life is blasphemous and a blatant lie.

    Having noted this, it is true that there are rotten apples in every bushel, and this includes each and every group of people, Jewish or gentile, male or female, Litvish or Chassidish, frum or not frum, etc. The author’s reported “bad” experience has zero relevance to Chassidus, both as a culture and as a derech of life. It is shame so many readers lack the intellect to recognize her generalization as her own personal sour grapes. May these readers and the author be healed with the saichel to recognize truth and kedusha.

    PatersonMan
    PatersonMan
    12 years ago

    Thank you Ms Ruchie Freier for this extremely well-written article. You understand not only the “dry” halachos, but more importantly, the “ta’am” of the mitzvos and their connection to the A-lmighty. Throughout the article, you repeat the all-important theme of defenfing G-D, his Torah, and his faithful People. If all the religious girls had your understanding and put it into action, I am sure that Mashiach would here by now!

    LiveAndLetLive
    LiveAndLetLive
    12 years ago

    Did any of you posters actually read the book???

    TorahTruth
    TorahTruth
    12 years ago

    I recognize that this blog is not the proper venue for a serious conversation, but I shall try anyway. Reading this blog prompted me to view the interview with Barbra Walters on the View. While it is clear that Ms Feldman has an axe to grind with Judaism and with Satmar Chasidus more specifically, she does touch on some issue that require serious consideration. Let me be clear, I am not defending her position as it is obviously Kneged Torah… but if we don;t “listen” to when people are telling us, especially people who are leaving our ranks, we will be unable to address the problems that we have. If you cut through everything she said (with the exception of her issues around Hilchos Neddah) she is lashing out against the “extremes” in our midst. When we take on ourselves Chumros that have no refection on Torah, women driving, getting an advanced education, working outside of the home in the corporate world, we are opening up ourselves to revolt! We don’t live in the Shtetel anymore and for better or for worse we are exposed to how the rest of the world lives. We need to train our children how to embrace this world Al pi Torah and not reject it, or there will be many more Feldmans

    jordon
    jordon
    12 years ago

    She is like a rapper rapping about his life with anger and bitterness (and makes it worse then it really is) She doesn’t know how to rap so she did a book

    bracha18
    bracha18
    12 years ago

    oh my G-D!!!!!!!!!!!! FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! someone is standing up to this massive chilul HaShem caused by Devorah Feldman

    many people become OTD due to severe emotinial pain. As sad as that is, it gives no one the right to steretype and slander an entire religion. forget chassidim. Deborah ridiculed taharas hamishpacha- that is not a chasidishe minhag.
    for all those that feel they can not be frum, they have the freedom to do what they want. However, why can they not stop living in their past and instead focus on their future and make a life for themselves in their “new found freedom.”
    Deborah claims her mission is to help free us- frum women from “oppression”.
    memo to deborah: we are NOT oppressed! we are frum and proud to be. and we are very happy!!!!! (no i am not brainwashed- as many OTD’s would like to say…)
    you left, and no one held you back or forced you to stay so please leave us alone.

    bracha18
    bracha18
    12 years ago

    great article!! thank you!!! i just called your number and left you a message. I would love to volunteer and help you in any which way that i can.
    May we merit to greet mashiach very soon…..all of us…….frum and non frum…..v’karov pezureinu mibein hagoiyim…….bayom hahu…HaShem echod ushemoi echad….

    noahz6
    noahz6
    12 years ago

    is there anywhere i can get a free pdf file of the book ?

    BeKind
    BeKind
    12 years ago

    Everybody who remained in her life did everything in their power to please her and make her happy. Her grandparents were good and kind to her. As well, she was fortunate to have a handsome, loving and supportive husband, who went to great lengths, including moving the family to a different community, just to please her. She will bitterly regret what she has done.

    Hadassah.Mirel
    Hadassah.Mirel
    12 years ago

    Thank you, Ruchie, for standing up and defending our way of life!

    LebidikYankel
    LebidikYankel
    12 years ago

    Thank you Mrs. Freier for an inspiring excellent article.
    Although its beside the point, no one has written a book denigrating the Hippies. That is because its not news. No one kicks a dead horse. That Mrs. Feldman wrote a book about Satmar is actually a backhanded compliment!

    leahle
    leahle
    12 years ago

    What becomes clear from reading all the responses to this article, is that there is no single group whose practices fit everyone. Some people are totally happy living with additional chumros; some chafe at the additional restrictions. We might consider modifying a practice that the Amish use – the Rumspringa. During the teenage years, rules are relaxed and the kids are allowed to explore their independence. At the end of the Rumspringa, most decide to enter the Amish community, while a few leave. I’m not suggesting that we permit teens to leave the Torah. However, it would be nice to have an exchange program, where Satmar teens can live with

    jonkamm623
    jonkamm623
    12 years ago

    no big deal Deborah shoul maybe try modern orthodoxy if that is her cup of tea.

    OscarMadison
    OscarMadison
    12 years ago

    There’s plenty of chillul Hashem for everyone. Chassidim think their chumrot make them holier because they’ve tricked their brains into generating psychological reward for their excessive spiritual flagellation. It’s masochistic and Torah turned on its head. But this woman is still crazy, and it doesn’t vindicate he whole system. It just means she’s crazy.

    chavie
    chavie
    12 years ago

    As much as what DEVORAH F did was a VIRAL CHILUL HASHEM, it is incumbent on us to push all emotion aside an REALLY LISTEN, yes we have a BEAUTIFUL RELIGION but EXTREMISM IS RUINING IT!!! We live in a day in age where you CANT get away with SLOPPY PARENTING and EDUCATING. It’s too easy to run away today. CHASSIDUS today is NOT what the BAAL SHEM TOV HAD IN MIND. The Baal Shem Tov intended on a movement that will INCREASE JOY in Yiddishkeit. The GOAL today seems to be WHAT SHOULD WE RESTRICT NEXT!

    When HASHEM wants someone to CORRECT a behavior, He sends a MESSAGE through life events. If we DON’T get it, He sends a LOUDER message. Just reflect HOW MANY negative incidents were in the news regarding chassidim this past year. We don’t have NEVIIM to tell us where we NEED IMPROVEMENT yet frankly THE INTERNET is doing a GREAT JOB. It’s not coincidence that all this is exposed, it’s HASHEM speaking to us.
    RELIGION is meant to bring us CLOSE TO HASHEM and “LOVE HIM WITH ALL OUR HEART AND SOUL” as we daven three times daily. We are meant to WORSHIP HASHEM with leaders to GUIDE US. NOT worship leaders with HASHEM to GUIDE us. We are MEANT to live A LIFE OF HOLINESS AND VALUES which creates DEEP FULFILLMENT and CONT

    mendoza
    mendoza
    12 years ago

    wow .. what a story …… b,h i cant complaine ,,,about my not so perfect life ,,,bh