LAKEWOOD (VINnews) — Rav Gershon Ribner recently spoke about how to deal with disagreements in marriage.
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In a recent vaad, a newlywed submitted a question about his new wife, “an extreme anti vaxxer who believes virtually every conspiracy theory.”
The man asked how he can move forward living life together with his new wife.
Rabbi Ribner replied with a fundamental piece of advice about disagreement in marriage, and other areas as well. In the world that we live in, the person who is the bigger “bar daas”, generally needs to capitulate to the lesser “bar daas”.
He said that one of the “terrible crazy things” about the world is that the wiser person will see that a potential fight or division (or divorce) will rip them apart and he sees the potential damage. As a result, he will capitulate, and the person with less wisdom will end up winning.
The smarter person knows the perils of divorce. The other one who is more reckless, will fight until the death, and will not be wise enough to realize the damage they cause, so they will never give in.
Rav Ribner said that in all areas of life, the smaller bar daas tends to win the arguments. If there is a debate in shul over whether to daven nusach Ashkenaz or Sefard, the person with the wisdom to understand that a breakaway is a bad idea, will concede the debate to the other side.
The Rosh Yeshiva said, “The reckless “shoteh” wins.”
However, he concluded with words of hope, quoting the pasuk which says “Acharis l’ish shalom.” In the end, we may not understand when or how, but the wiser person who makes peace will ultimately come out on top.
Why stir up a pot with this title when there’s nothing here it’s a wise article and truthful but why bring up anti-vax in the title just to hit some scores.
I suffered serious adverse effects after receiving DPT as an infant. The pediatrician told my mother, who was a nurse not to give any more shots to me or any younger children.
After I married, my husband and his parents insisted that our baby get all of the shots despite warnings from my pediatrician who was still practicing.
My husband threatened to divorce me and I felt forced to give the shots.
That same night of the first shots my baby had seizures and we went to the ER.
Our child did not crawl, walk, speak or toilet train in the proper time.
We saw many specialists, none of whom could help.
We finally ended up in Boston where we saw a specialist from Harvard who diagnosed our then 5 year old with post polio syndrome.
Our child is now an adult with permanent neurological damage.
It is my fault. I failed to protect my child.
At the end of the day, it’s important before marriage to make sure they’re on the same page for the most part. If it comes to the vaccine issue, at this point there is enough to go around on both sides to get your pick. This new MRNA vaccine has not been around for long and it’s unfair to label those who fear the risks and side effects that are being reported in the hundreds of thousands to be called “anti-vaxxer”. These same individuals have no problem giving their babies the standard vaccines that have been around for more than a decade. So be careful how you label someone and it might be a good idea to just do your own research on the VAERS website to see how many people became chronically ill or died as a result of these experimental, big pharma vaccines. Yes they saved lives for the most part in the elderly population, but what was the purpose of injecting them and into kids and now babies???
I think that the mature way of disagreeing is to validate and give space for the other side, instead of saying that “she believes in every conspiracy and she is less Bar Daas than me”. I’m wondering why we should impose our belief on everyone and say that the opposite is conspiracy? why shouldn’t we see it as a regular disagreement with 2 sides?
before the holocaust lots of people who wanted to leave Europe were considered conspiracy theorists until the Nazis killed them.
The poor newly-wed! She should have listed her anti-vax stance and her “conspiracy theory” penchant in her resume. As for Rav Ribner’s advice, there was more of resignation to reality than advice, so this poor newlywed is definitely up the creek…
Playing to the lower hand, as a general strategy, is less than inspiring.
The problem with anti-vaxx spouse is not that they have a different opinion that is incorrect, like having a democrat spouse. The problem with having a anti-vaxx spouse is that usually their opinion takes over their life, and nothing else exists. Its like they are in a cult-like trance. SImply agreeing with them, does not solve the issue that your spouse has become a cult-like zombie. If someone had a spouse with addiction issues, simply agreeing with them will not solve the bigger issue that they have lost control of their life and they have no self awareness. The rabbi’s advice, with all due respect, does not take into account the bigger issue.
If someone has a fixed opinion, it is naive to think you can change it.
If you read the book “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, you will see he says that first you need to develop a relationship with someone. And you do that by agreeing with them, even when you know that they are wrong. Then you can start to influence them. But don’t be too optimistic about doing the latter (my words).
Or, you can read the book “Surrounded by Idiots”, which teaches you to understand and accept people as they are.
Should have found out if the wife is conspiracy minded before marriage. Good advice for those leaving the freezer bring up these issues on dates. It will effect the health of your children. It is important.
The wife in this situation is the smarter one. Her bina is finely and highly tuned. She is saving her own life as the Torah instructs. Just look up the term SADS. Australia is now suffering from an increase of SADS. In time the US, UK, NZ will also see an increase of SADS. Not to be confused with SIDS.
How should he deal? He should be so grateful that his wife is a thinker, a learner, someone who is willing to see beyond the brainwashing and actually learn who profits when kids get dozens of vaccines . He is so lucky she learned this before she gave their children allergies, eczema, poor health, possible learning disorders, autism, seizures, and a host of other health conditions that vaccinated kids are far more prone to than unvaccinated kids, all to prevent mostly treatable illnesses that are mostly rare anyway.
While I see this phenomena all the time, is Rav Ribner saying the wiser one should give in or that is just what happens.
His point is true, but limited.
A man can set up an atmosphere that he is the boss at home, and major decisions are made by him, after discussion with the wife. No outsiders have any say, including parents in law.
However, to do so, he has to actually take acharayus for his decisions, and to think ahead. He can’t be lazy and then expect to be the boss. He needs to be a real boss, with self-control. If he can control himself, he can control others.
This isn’t about vaccines, this is about everything else too. Which Rebbe to follow, what kind of chinuch to give etc.
Not everything has to be either my way or divorce.
Those who understand the fallacies and dangers of vaccination theory and of allopathic medical philosophy will also understand the need to stand up against bullying from family members who don’t yet know better. Sometimes even divorce is a better decision. Vaccines are mega-big business with no concerns for those who are ‘vexxinated’ either. The government is also in cahoots with Big Pharma in many ways, including that they refuse to acknowledge the mercury / autism connection relating to adjuvants and preservatives in these poisonous shots – let alone all the peanut and other allergies that are now common from the increased viral loads from their other ingredients such as egg and MSG – none of this belongs in the blood. All of this ‘Rockefeller ‘patent-remedy’ medicine’ has been sponsored since he came on the scene with the ‘Flexner Report’ in ‘1911, and before as well. A pivotal time was also in ‘1794 when the rascal Edward Jenner proposed forced vaccination with cowpox pus serum ‘plunged’ into the arms of citizenry (Dershowitz would k’vell) by his petition of the queen. His bought medical diploma prompted him to declare cowpox was the same as smallpox. A needle in his side.
what is the wisdom here? living with a nightmare that can not be corrected?
Some one explain?
Just settle that you’ll have to lose to your reckless, no-sechel spouse for who knows how long into the future? Not sure how someone would use this advice in a meaningful way.
It is quite sad that the message of this post was not about vaxx versus anti-vaxx. So instead of commenting on the subject, everyone slipped into the frenzy about the anti-vaxx movement. Just as sad that we look to rabbonim to answer scientific questions as if they are qualified to answer.
You know? There used to be a time, not too long ago when the man was the king of the family, and even though things were discussed between husband and wife, ultimately, it was the man’s decision that was abided by, and it was completely accepted by the wife and life moved on. That’s how it was back in our bubby and zaidy days and there were no arguments and because of that, you stayed married and raised a family. However today, with the womens rights movement and societal advocacy by women’s liberal groups that degrade men and advocate and encourage women to be the boss and take charge, because they are equal to and even superior to men, this crazy Goyishe movement and mentality has done exactly that, and It’s affects has sadly crept into the Torah/frum world and has wreaked havoc. The same advice would be given not to listen to your Ruv/Rabbi/Rebbi/anyone You both looked up to in the past that’s very knowledgeable, if it involves a Torah perspective. “That’s old fashioned, outdated advice. They don’t know what they’re talking about”.
How does rav gershon deal with his anti vax sister in law and brother in law?
why not just let the rav decide on this one it will solve the problem pretty quickly. any time there’s a fundamental problem, especially in the beginning they should go to his rabbi or rosh yeshiva and follow what he says. that means they accept what he says even if they disagree because of emunas hachamim.
I don’t see the question here even. and if one of them doesnt want to listen to the rav take out a belt
HELLO? !!!! Why did you marry this fool?