By Rabbi Yair Hoffman for 5tjt.com
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A conversation in shul recently took place on a Sunday morning between a prominent lawyer talmid chochom and a mechanech. The subject of the conversation was about a Kollel for single bochurim. The conversation went something like this:
Mechanech: “The aim is to create Torah scholars for the next generation that are fully proficient in seder nezikin and Choshain Mishpat. Twenty-five bochurim would be hand-picked for their commitment to learning Torah b’hasmadah, for their ability to study Torah in great depth, and for their ehrlichkeit. The Kollel would pay the bochurim $50,000 per year in order to ensure that their financial needs would be met – allowing them to learn undisturbed. The only condition of the Kollel is that the twenty-five bochurim must commit to remain in the Kollel until the age of forty, and to remain single during the duration.”
The response from the lawyer was, “WHAT? That is against halacha!”
“Why? It is for Torah growth.”
“But until forty? I have never heard of such a thing. Chazal tell us that one must marry young. This is something that Gedolei HaDor, the einei yisroel must pasken. And I highly doubt that this question was brought up to them.”
“But think of the future benefits.. Don’t you see the advantages of such an idea?”
“Yes, but I also see the disadvantages – The Gemorah encourages everyone to marry young. Also, it would exasperate an already catastrophic shidduch situation.”
“Okay, but what would you say if they knocked down that last requirement to 35 years of age. There are plenty of bochurim that do get married at 35. Then would you agree that it is a good idea?”
“Absolutely not! We don’t change what Chazal tell us – no matter what.”
“Well, you wouldn’t disagree with it if it was until age 30. If they adjusted the requirement until age 30 – then you would surely be behind it, no?”
“I would ask Gedolei Torah. I would not go a day longer than what the Gedolim would say. But I still think that they would never agree to such an idea.”
—-
Analysis: This conversation that took place – was absolutely real. The Kollel under discussion, is fictitious. The two points that the lawyer made, however, are very salient, very real, and very current. Also, the matter was brought up several times to Gedolei Yisroel. It concerns what is contemporarily known as, “the freezer.” The “freezer” refers not to that bulky appliance kept in the basement and used to keep meats, soups, and kugels frozen for the impending yomim tovim – but rather to a policy of what is arguably the largest yeshiva since the days of Sura and Pumpedisa.
It is a yeshiva wherein the Kol Torah does not stop. It is a yeshiva wherein Torah scholarship has reached unprecedented heights, where Gedolei Torah are both born and come of age. It is a yeshiva that fosters growth in Torah and midos, and a yeshiva that carries the heritage and birthright of Sinai – including the precious mesorah of the Vilna Gaon and his Talmid, Rav Chaim Volozhin. It is a Yeshiva that has established Kollelim across the nation – indeed, across the world.
The policy of the “freezer” is that bochurim that arrive from Eretz Yisroel to attend that yeshiva – may not date until after Tu Bishvat – some six months into the new zman. It is a policy that did not exist in the times of the Yeshiva’s illustrious founder, nor his son zt”l.
It is a policy that the Gedolei HaDor have gone on record to disagree with – in writing. It is also a policy that has exasperated an already desperate shidduch situation. It is important not to chalilah bash a Yeshiva that has literally changed the landscape of Torah in this country. Rather, this article was written to encourage a re-thinking of this policy. The ideas set forth in this article are the ideas espoused by Rav Elyashiv zatzal, Rav Aharon Leib Shteinman zatzal, Rav Shmuel Auerbach zatzal, and Rav Chaim Kanievsky zatzal and the Chazon Ish zt”l. They should neither be dismissed nor taken lightly.
The issue was brought to these Gedolei HaDor and, without exception, they all signed on the enclosed letter dated in the month of Taives ten years ago and is translated below. The only additions that were made to the letter by the author are the headings – which were added to facilitate better comprehension and greater clarity:
THE DILEMMA
Our community finds itself in an increasingly difficult situation, with thousands of Bnos Yisroel getting older and not finding their zivug. It has become clear, with Hashem’s help, that the primary cause for this is that bochrim generally marry girls who are a number of years younger.
Since the population increases every year, there are more girls entering shidduchim than boys – and many girls are left unmarried.
THE REMEDY
Clearly, the way to remedy this terrible situation is to reduce the age disparity in shidduchim. Many Chassidishe communities who do not have age disparities in shidduchim are not facing this tragic situation of numerous unmarried girls. Therefore, it is incumbent on all of us to work diligently to save our daughters from this plight.
FORBIDDEN NOT TO ACT
It is assur for anyone who can help to stand passively by. All Yidden are responsible for each other and the Torah cries out to us, “Lo Sa’amod al Dam Rei’echa!”
A key component of the solution is to have our sons marry at a younger age. And in order to accomplish this, it would be good for the bochurim to come back earlier from Eretz Yisroel. Calculations show that if bochurim would begin shidduchim one year earlier on average, then within ten years, over a thousand women would be saved from the agony of waiting indefinitely for their zivug.
OBLIGATION ON YESHIVOS AND ROSHEI YESHIVA
Therefore, we have come to publicize our opinion that there is an obligation on the yeshivos and Roshei Yeshiva to find ways to enable the bochurim to begin shidduchim at a younger age including encouraging them to return sooner from Eretz Yisroel.
OBLIGATION ON BOCHURIM
We are also calling on the bochurim themselves to return from Eretz Yisroel at a younger age in order to be ready to get married at the appropriate time. Through their nesias ol, they will merit true Kinyan Torah, reaching ever-greater heights, and they will be zoche to build a Bayis Ne’eman B’Yisroel L’shem U’siferes.
Rav Elyashiv [zatzal], Rav Aharon Leib Shteinman [zatzal], Rav Shmuel Auerbach [zatzal], and Rav Chaim Kanievsky [zatzal]. Rav Elyashiv zt”l signed it one year before the letter was published. This author’s research is that Rav Chizkiyahu Mishkovsky shlita, a mashgiach in Orchos Torah was the one who was behind the writing of the letter.
RAV GERSHON EDELSTEIN SHLITA’S VIEW
This very question was posed to Moreinu Rav Gershon Edelstein shlita by Rav Eliyahu Kellerman, the Mashgiach of Ponevech, regarding “Tshalmers” in his own Yeshiva – Ponevech. “Chalmers” are people that originally stem from Yerushalmi families (although most of them live now in Beit Shemesh). The current practice of many Tshalmers is to go to Ponevech at 18 and get married at 19 and ½. Rav Kellerman wanted to make a takana that restricted this practice. Rav Edelstein responded that it would be forbidden to do so [heard by this author from Rav Gershon Edelstein’s Gabbai on 17 Elul 5772].
This author has it on good authority that Moreinu Rav Shmuel Kamentesky shlita once called one of the Roshei Yeshiva and pleaded that the restriction be removed.
In an interview with Mr. Gary Barnett at an Agudas Yisroel symposium, Rav Elya Ber Wachfogel shlita said that if the Anshei Knesses HaGedolah were around today the first thing they would address is the crisis for our young ladies. This is the first thing they would address.
CONCLUSION
This was not just the opinion of the aforementioned Gedolei HaDor, but was also the view of the Chazon Ish zt”l. We find a fascinating remark that the Chazon Ish made to Rav Yisroel Singer zt”l, the son-in-law of Rav Reuvain Trop zt”l cited in Maaseh Ish Vol. II page 206. A bochur learning in yeshiva was told by the Chazon Ish that he must start dating and that the Mishna (Avos 5:21) states “Ben Shmonah esreh lachupah – at 18 one should enter the chuppah.” Rav Singer inquired of the Chazon Ish, “Is it possible that this refers only to their time – but in modern times they should not marry young?” The Chazon Ish sarcastically responded, “If your reasoning is correct, then we should also change [the beginning of the Mishna that states] 13 years of age to entering Mitzvos..”
The freezer policy is about 26 years old, and when it first came out, there were at least three shailos regarding the policy that were posed to Rav Shach zt”l (1899- 2001 – 16th of Cheshvan). For each of them, Rav Shach paskened that the bachur should disregard the restriction on his dating.
More recently, Rav Chaim Kanievsky zatzal explained (Rav Chaim on Shidduchim Vol. II [Hebrew] questions 144-146] that any bochur in any Yeshiva is not obligated to adhere to any such rule restricting dating because it is likened to “masneh al mah shekasuv baTorah – placing a condition on something that is written in the Torah [and one who does so the condition is negated].”
A bachur also once asked Rav Chaim zatzal the following question (See Rav Chaim on Shidduchim Vpl. I p. 106): I am a bochur who has two options for next year when I return to the United States. I can study in a yeshiva where I feel I can learn better, but they have a condition that I cannot date for the next four months [and practically it is six months if one comes in Elul zman] or I can go to a Yeshiva without such a policy at the outset – but I feel that I will not be able to learn as best as I could. What should I do?
Rav Chaim responded that the bachur “should study at the Yeshiva where he can learn better and ignore the condition, because masneh al ma shekasuv baTorah – one who stipulates a condition that is in contrast to the Torah – the condition is batel – invalid.” The wording of
Rav Shteinman zt”l once explained in a letter, “although the common practice is to delay dating at least until twenty, this is only if the bachur himself wishes to delay, but we may not force him to do so.”
It seems clear that the Gedolei HaDor were not and are not in favor of a policy that restricts bochurim dating. Such a policy further exasperates the situation of shidduchim for bnos Yisroel – our precious daughters. The letter that was signed ten years ago states that anyone who can do something to effect such a change should do so. We see from their letter that we should do what we can to alleviate the situation.
The author can be reached at [email protected]
1. A delay of six months won’t measurably change the shidduch crisis.
2. It’s “Exacerbate” not “Exasperate”.
I agree with the basic premise of the article, the freezer is a dated concept. But BMG getting rid of it wont change the fact that boys at younger ages are generally speaking too immature to get married. That should be the focus rather than getting boys married earlier. If boys became mentchen earlier, they’d get married earlier.
These threads are both tragic and amusing. There are several issues that need to be introduced into this discussion. Omitting them turns all the comments and a well researched article into a wasted opportunity.
Our pattern has morphed into mobility of bochurim. We have allowed the precious guidance of עשה לך רב to become an opportunity to collect names of Roshei Yeshiva, while having not remained anywhere long enough to become a תלמיד מובהק. Eretz Yisroel is great, no endorsement needed. Must this be the itinerary of every bochur to learn there?
So BMG has evolved into a yeshiva known for its city name, not for its Roshei Yeshiva, Roshei Chaburos, or magidei Shiurim. Before entering the shidduch market, a bochur needs to be able to present an address in zip code 08701. Hence, the freezer, so that the yeshiva remains a place to learn, not a launch pad for shidduchim. But has this image become so ingrained in our culture that we now need to take steps to protect the learning?
Next – this is a big one, probably deserving its own thread. The big myth of the “learning boy”. This has been indoctrinated into almost every bochur by their Roshei Yeshivos. Our girls are also indoctrinated that they must only consider a “learning boy”. But this delusion has generated more tzaar for Klal Yisroel than can be inflicted by the goyim. The obligation to learn for life is not negotiable. But the obligation to provide for the family is also. If we would make chinuch that inspired bochcurim to learn, no matter what career direction they took, it would be better for all. No culture of dependency, no poverty, no bizyonos of milking the systems of entitlements, etc. We need “learning boys” who make learning their career. But that does not apply to all. And we broad brush everyone into this fictitious category. And so many fall out years later, with large families, no funding sources, and too late to train and enter a career that provides for them adequately.
If we don’t fix these myths, every bochur will be the “exception”, and nothing will change. I guess we can always fork over money for a minyan of talmidei chachomim who will finish Tehilim for 40 days straight at the Kivrei Tzaddikim of your choice.
There is nothing wrong with a young woman not getting married at 19. It’s not “tragic,” “a terrible situation,” or “agony.” A girl, like a boy, is a worthwhile human being created b’tzelem Elokim with purpose and meaning in life. She does not need to be miserable or “desperate” due to her age or relationship status. Why cultivate an educational system that teaches otherwise?
In 2001 the Mir Yeshivah in Yerushalyim tried opening in Sloatsburg NY. They were stopped because askanim felt that competition wasn’t good. To those that say there are other Yeshiva’s to choose from you need to allow other Yeshivas to open. You cannot keep a policy in place as you clearly demonstrated is against the Torah and Daas Torah and stifle other Yeahivos from opening.
It’s my understanding this policy was enacted to ensure that bocherim were not gaming the system by entering this prestigious yeshiva purely to get it on their resume but were not serious learners. Anyway, this is one yeshiva with a modest restriction. The shidduch crisis is real but I don’t see this policy as a big contributor.
Has anyone looked into how many older single guys there are in the community? Has anyone gone to BMG and checked out how many single guys there are over 25 and over 27? How many left BMG but are still single? It shouldn’t be hard for BMG and other yeshivas to put in place a system where they stay in touch with alumnae. It would be interesting to know how many are long gone from the beis medrash but never got married. We see these guys – the ones who haven’t completely left us – at shul and events, but the community acts as if they’re invisible. Look around you in shul on Rosh Hashana and add them to your tefillos.
What a wildly-exaggerated start to this piece.
It is beyond absurd to compare BMG’s months-long “freezer” to a non-existent kollel that requires celibacy until 40 years old or even 30 years old.
As well, I don’t see how a “key component” of the purported “solution” is to have “our sons marry at a younger age”.
First of all, marrying younger creates other problems.
As well, in and of itself, it does not solve anything. There are only y number of men and x number of women.
What would make a difference, however, would be if the, say, 22 year old men would date, say, 22 year old women instead of 19 year old women. This would give those 19 year old women more time to find a husband.
As a BMG alumnus, I can report to you that the freezer is actually a great time for the bochurim to settle back down to real life as most are coming back from EY which can be quite separated from the usual norms. The freezer has probably led to an increase in the marriage success rate.
If someone wants to change this, let them go in and respectfully discuss this with the RY. The RY too know the issue very well. It won’t be the first time someone’s discussed it with them.
Thank You Rabbi Hoffman!!
Even if this policy was with good intentions, it has to be changed TODAY!!!! it is wreaking havoc on our precious Bnos Yisrael. This policy as you correctly pointed out was enacted recently not by the Yeshivas founder nor by Rav Shnuer. It has to be changed immediately to help our bochurim and more importantly the thousands of singles!!!!
How will bochrim dating 6 months earlier have a significant impact? Wouldn’t encouraging them to date older girls have more impact?
so much to unpack , a few points; as someone who lives in both worlds (the chasidish & american litvish) the topic is huge here are some differences that have an overall impact
1. Shiduchim are “kosheh” they always was , chazal…
2. Supply vs. demand: Do 50% girls want the same 10% of boys? ( girls chinuch was matzliach in sheefos and hashkafa even if don’t fully comprehend ramifications.. the bar of what the girls are willing to accept is simply in very short supply.
3. Shidduchim is humbling and there is a learning curve which takes its course .. beginning what I want and think I can get, till more realistic expectations and therefore willing to consider a wider range
4. Cultural sense of urgency as seen by chassidsh culture ( lechaim on erev yomtov)before boy goes back to e”y ( another zman can be away of avoiding “the parsha”) additionally chassidsh boys have no where to hide there is no class.. for 20+ cant be out of sight out of mind
5. Galus = hisgabrus hataavah shallow retzonos and focus on minor nuances ; gashmius, girl sizes, /pics
6. Age gap seems to have some credibility as a partial contributor..
7. Mental health; horror stories have contributed to a much better awareness & labeling of weakness so people more perceptive & hesitant
8. The more independent & intellectual the harder to match compare a square to an octagon
9. Where does the eibishter fit in all of this as one balances emunah & hishtadlus
10. Is the Process in the way; many woman groups spent 100’s of hours trying but bottom line very few home runs
11. Yet so many shidduchim are happening daily and many many to people WITHOUT gelt, family, connections, looks , yichus, marks divorced families, molesters , Otisville..making chasuna…
aside from its bashert what else
If anyone doesn’t like this policy there are plenty of other yeshivos to choose from.
Why not just ask girls to wait until they’re 21 to get engaged?
“STOP THE DAVENING-START THE TALKING”
I have a bookmark in my siddur that says the exact opposite
another huge problem with freezer is that because of the hall shortage it adds another 6 weeks to their engagements you have to wiat till after shvuos so when people say its just 3 and a half months its realy a lot longer
Kudos to r Yair for highlighting this most painful subject. It is common knowledge in the yeshiva circles that once one’s daughter enters shidduch age – unless they are wealthy there is a sense of desperation. One additional point is that it’s not just a matter of keeping the boys locked up another few months, In those few months another entire grade of seminary girls enter shiduchim!
what are some of the rebuttals , or flaws in the AGE GAP THEORY? and has the naisi project put out any updated stats its 10 years now & millions spent ? are we doing better has anything changed are the numbers still this bad?
First of all, dnt hide your article behind a heading that has nothing to do with be upfront! If you are scared about attacking a Yeshiva, then there is a good reason for that!
Secondly its not 6 months as officially you cant come elul zman and if you did then you are not enrolled and there is no problem to date.
Third of all instead of writing a article where everyone can post what they think including bashing and saying that Rosh yeshivas do not know what they are doing and they are at fault for the crisis, you are helping them do a averiha by being mevazhe talmidi chachomim. If you have a problem don’t air it on the net, call them up and talk to them!
question:
r akivas 24000 talmidim died
for lack of “. kovod ze bozeh “
This humiliating degrading exp
to innocent people is not enough of a reason to say
enough is enough
remain single until 40? Oh come now, that is not normal.
There are PLENTY of good bochurim available.
Just they are not wanted.
Only for the divorced or
Baalei tshuvot are they acceptable.
The Torah World takes their money and then flushes them down the toilet basically.
Enough is Enough!!!!!! If one wants his son to wait half a year let him do what he wants. How can someone enact something that is against the Torah for others. With all the nisyonos today this has to be stopped immediately. Half a year is a very long time. As they say, the proof is in the pudding. It has led to thousands of single girls because of this policy that is against Daas Torah and should never have been put in place. It’s Elul a time to repent and change this right away for the sake of our precious daughters.
I think this article was well researched and written. I have this theory and always did, that the best segula for anything is Torah and tefilla. So instead of making someone change something, why not just spend all your time davening for klal Yisroel instead? Daven, just Daven. Hashem will take care of everything. He just wants our teffilos.
Not one poster debates the author quoting Reb Chaim, Rav Elyasiv, Rav Aurbach and all the other Gedolim. It looks to me todays so called frumme listen to their friend or unknown Rebbeim instead of DAAS TORAH
The idiot who expects NORMAL FUNCTIONING youths to stay single until they’re eligible to be zeida’s (age wise) should be made to take a long walk on a short bridge. NINCOMPOOPS like him, we DON’T NEED !!!
STOP THE DAVENING-START THE TALKING
There are Mosdos asking for donations geared especially to those who are desperate to find Shidduchim for themselves or for their loved ones.
These organizations offer to have Gedolim, Rebbes, Roshei Yeshivos, Rabonim, Kabbalists, etc. travel to Mekomos Hakdoshim and Daven for a Zivug on behalf of those who send in money.
We have a situation today where for every 120 nineteen-year-old girls there are only 100 twenty-three-year-old boys to go around.
SOLVING THE SHIDDUCH CRISIS WON’T HAPPEN BY HAVING גדולים DAVEN ON ט”ו באב AT קברי צדיקים
It would be pointless to Daven that all girls should get married since there are simply not enough 23-year-old boys to marry all the 19-year-old girls.
This Tefillah would be asking for the impossible and might be considered a תפילת שוא.
The number one solution to the shidduch crisis is to narrow the age gap between the boys and girls getting married.
Davening for this to happen on its own is futile;
it is incumbent on us to take the measures to make it happen. The problem is man-made and can be corrected by man בעזהי”ת. It’s up to us; we can and should change the trend of having such a wide age gap between the genders.
Perhaps, the time has come for מה תצעק אלי– ויסעו. We must make a move to correct the problem.
We need to TALK and make people aware that if nothing is done to remedy this problem, then 15%- 20% of the girls will remain Agunos for the rest of their lives.
The only way to narrow the age gap is by facilitating and encouraging the boys to start dating at a younger age. This can be accomplished if the Roshei Yeshivos are on board and implement policies such as:
1. The American Roshei Yeshivos should send away their Talmidim to Eretz Yisroel at age 20, and not allow them to stick around past that age.
2. The Israeli Roshei Yeshivos should not accept Bachurim over the age of 20
3. B.M.G. Lakewood Yeshiva should abolish the “freezer” rule.
Having the Bachurim go to learn in Eretz Yisroel at an earlier age means they will return to America at an earlier age, thus starting Shidduchim earlier and thereby narrowing the age STOP THE DAVENING-START THE TALKING
There are Mosdos asking for donations geared especially to those who are desperate to find Shidduchim for themselves or for their loved ones.
These organizations offer to have Gedolim, Rebbes, Roshei Yeshivos, Rabonim, Kabbalists, etc. travel to Mekomos Hakdoshim and Daven for a Zivug on behalf of those who send in money.
We have a situation today where for every 120 nineteen-year-old girls there are only 100 twenty-three-year-old boys to go around.
SOLVING THE SHIDDUCH CRISIS WON’T HAPPEN BY HAVING גדולים DAVEN ON ט”ו בשבט AT קברי צדיקים
It would be pointless to Daven that all girls should get married since there are simply not enough 23-year-old boys to marry all the 19-year-old girls.
This Tefillah would be asking for the impossible and might be considered a תפילת שוא.
The number one solution to the shidduch crisis is to narrow the age gap between the boys and girls getting married.
Davening for this to happen on its own is futile;
it is incumbent on us to take the measures to make it happen. The problem is man-made and can be corrected by man בעזהי”ת. It’s up to us; we can and should change the trend of having such a wide age gap between the genders.
Perhaps, the time has come for מה תצעק אלי– ויסעו. We must make a move to correct the problem.
We need to TALK and make people aware that if nothing is done to remedy this problem, then 15%- 20% of the girls will remain Agunos for the rest of their lives.
The only way to narrow the age gap is by facilitating and encouraging the boys to start dating at a younger age. This can be accomplished if the Roshei Yeshivos are on board and implement policies such as:
1. The American Roshei Yeshivos should send away their Talmidim to Eretz Yisroel at age 20, and not allow them to stick around past that age.
2. The Israeli Roshei Yeshivos should not accept Bachurim over the age of 20
3. B.M.G. Lakewood Yeshiva should abolish the “freezer” rule.
Having the Bachurim go to learn in Eretz Yisroel at an earlier age means they will return to America at an earlier age, thus starting Shidduchim earlier and thereby narrowing the age gap.
Maybe nesias ol at a too young age will not lead to a kinyan Torah but chas vesholom to a mental breakdown, prikas ol, or leaving the derech altogether.
More importantly, why is this whole discussion about crunching numbers as opposed to relating to human beings?
By this I mean why is there no reference to the personal and psychological aspects of couple and mishpacha building, and not just age related physical needs.
“Rav Chaim Kanievsky zatzal explained (Rav Chaim on Shidduchim Vol. II [Hebrew] questions 144-146] that any bochur in any Yeshiva is not obligated to adhere to any such rule restricting dating”
Dating is a modern non-Jewish term, which is intimately connected to dangerous non-Jewish hashkafos. It is not a term of גדולי ישראל.
Yakov Aveina was 80 years when he got married, he wasn’t going to cut down his learning time just because Leah was crying.