JERUSALEM (VINnews) — In a candid and emotional monologue on his program “Medabrim” on the Kol Hai radio station, host Yankele Friedman spotlighted one of the most painful issues facing the natonal religious and charedi communities: the plight of older singles struggling to find matches. Sharing what he described as a “tightness in the heart,” Friedman urged listeners to stop standing by. “We pass by the same person again and again, say ‘hello,’ and move on with our lives. How is it that we offer nothing?” he asked.
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During the broadcast, listeners heard the stirring words of Rabbi Baruch Rosenblum, who recounted the story of a woman who became engaged at age 40 after 22 years of waiting. He described how the moment of joy turned into a painful rebuke directed at neighbors who arrived with cakes: “Twenty-two years, and not once did you suggest a match. Offer whatever you can, what difference does it make? Why sit quietly?” Rosenblum emphasized that proposals should not be dismissed prematurely as “unsuitable,” declaring firmly: “What seems most unsuitable to you often becomes the most successful match.”
Friedman also shared a deeply personal experience from his own attempts to suggest matches, describing a conversation with the father of an older single woman who broke down in tears simply upon hearing a proposal. “I felt overwhelmed,” Friedman admitted. “The father told me, ‘You made my month.’ All I did was suggest a match, nothing had even begun.” According to Friedman, the mere knowledge that “something is on the table” gives singles and their families breathing room and hope that they are still “in the story.”
The discussion raised broader questions about communal responsibility and mutual care. Friedman wondered how it is possible that every building or neighborhood has older singles, yet the public remains indifferent. “Just think a little, that’s the whole message,” he said. He reminded listeners that no one has insurance on the future: “What you would not want to happen to you, do something, even a little, for others.”
The central takeaway from the broadcast was that even a proposal that does not lead to marriage holds immense value. Rosenblum summarized this with an appeal to keep trying regardless of the outcome: “Even if it doesn’t work out , you’ve brought redemption closer. Act. Try.” Friedman closed by asking listeners to use even commercial breaks to think of a single match they might suggest for someone in need.
But really, there are all these articles of singles complaining how insensitive people are when they redt shidduchim, so we are scared to make suggestions so as not to hurt their feelings. It seems that this topic is so raw and sensitive that it is a lose-lose situation. Singles are in so much pain that if we redt they get hurt and don’t talk to us, and if we don’t redt they get angry. So what are we to do?
What a powerful and painful story. The image of the neighbors coming with their kugels and cakes is particularly painful. Because it’s so hollow. No substitute for a connection, the kind that leads to shidduch suggestions.
Emet.
Singles and their families often feel very much alone, even if surrounded by many people.
Olam Hesed Yibane.
Let HaShem make the calculations. Our responsibility is to just think, just speak, just help. And HaShem will make sure the correct things happen.
Thinking and acting for others’ benefit is true Hesed, and those that do so become partners of Bore Olam
Most people are well meaning and grace should be given on both sides i.e. not getting insulted when an inappropriate match is suggested and not feeling bad as a shadchen when a suggestion gets ignored.
Long overdue.
Another point mentioned in a similar podcast was the idea that sometimes older singles are “stuck” and just need some coaching to help them figure out what is holding them back. Offering such services are sometimes a bigger Mitzvah than suggesting a Shidduch that will simply be turned down. Unfortunately, these course and coaches are few and Shadchanim end up putting salt on open wounds when talking down to singles telling them that they are “too picky”. Sometimes it’s that parents that are “stuck” and/or don’t see their child as they really are deep down. There needs to be more community awareness and help in this area. Thank you.
How do we know that this newly engaged 40 year old woman is telling the truth, the whole truth & nothing but the truth that NONE of her neighbors over 22 years ever tried to suggest a match for her? In this case, such an accusation should be doubted & not taken at face value.
Yes, my wife makes many suggestion. But none ever worked out.
No wonder this went on for 22 years, she obviously has some serious personality issues as when she bashed her neighbours when they came to wish her Mazal Tov
Hope she’ll find a good therapist
For all the commentators saying that it’s not their job to suggest shidduchim to singles, the only other way singles then can meet eligible shidduchim is to do what Rav Moshe Feinstein Zatzal suggested that by every Chassunah there should be tables where men and women can meet each other. In our frum society, we have put up so many gedarim between males and females that it’s impossible to meet unless someone sets them up. It’s the system we created that has created this problem. For generations there was always Yenta the matchmaker making shidduchim for the town. B”H our towns are growing and there are not enough Yentas for all so we need more people to step up.
She then smashed the (afordepicted) plate on her neighbor’s head, causing him permanent brain damage.
Some of the responses I just read are disgusting. Those who wrote them should be ashamed. You put the entire blame on the older Kallah. Some of the Shiduchim you rhd are just a pair of Michnasayim and that is why there are so many divorces. My girls married at 20, 21, 22. My neighbors considered them “old” at that age. One is a nurse, one a teacher, one is still studying and will be a social worker. They married good frum buchirum. They knew exactly what would be a good match. They have BH” children and they work to help bring in parnassah, not rely on a governmentb program in Galus. If you are a Shadchun, do your due diligence. Some Shadchanim are out for the money and they get angry when the girl refuses. I’ve seen sime real Kuni Lemmels being rhd to frum, pretty, Tichtegeh, fine girls because the family did not have enough money for a good, young man. Stop blaming the girls. Some of you look at them like they don’t exist. Mazal Tov to the engaged bride. I’m sorry it took so long, but I hope you found a Bashert to start a wonderful family life together. Never compromise for a worthless pair of Michnasayim. Compromise when there is potential for good; good Midos, Yiras Shamayim, a work ethic to provide for a family, not live on your parents money.
Yeah it’s true a lot of people are hitting the nail on the head that a lot of older singles pretty much gave up on Marriage but simply won’t admit it to you. Will do anything to sabotage a suggestion or find a reason to make it not work out instead of just being honest and saying hey it looks like I’m comfortable where I am but thank you. I guess it’s not socially acceptable to say you don’t want to get married but essentially that’s what’s going on here. And do I blame them? Not at all. We’ve all seen how terribly High the divorce rate is and we all witnessed plenty of horror stories in our face whether it’s through friends or family, and that does subconsciously turn someone off. Not to mention the amount of work and flexibility that it actually does take to help a marriage succeed which most older singles are incapable of
These days single people can’t just rely on friends or family to find shidduch dates you got to get out and and meet people other ways like frum dating sites or speed dating for frum people of different age groups. Singles got go and put yourself out there. Otherwise nothing ventured and nothing gained and it’s a choice to stay single forever. Perfection doesNOT exist got to compromise or stay single.
Tragic.painful.Only one side .she has no idea how many people tried to rehd her shidduchim only to get the door slammed in their face by the other side or the other side never even bothered calling back.
A majority of people that don’t get married are only because nothing is good enough for them or they are just not into the opposite sex and they won’t tell you that.if they are , They usually have ridiculous expectations of what’s for them without ever looking in the mirror and realizing that they can never get that. What they can get they don’t want and this goes for men and women. Everyone I ever attempted to set any of the older singles up , they says it’s not for them for whatever ridiculous reason ,as if you show them a photo of a person that is not even close or within reach , they will want to go out with something that is not within reach , as it becomes an excuse of nothing is good enough. Many are extremely self centered and unwilling to give of themselves and utilize the nonsense of I have not found my Bashert. Bottom line they have many opportunities to meet and get married, they just don’t want to , as if they do the expectations are not within reach.
I’ve worked on a few shidduchim for older singles, ranging from upper 30s to 50s. I would never imagine charging anyone for a shidduch made. I would do it 100 for free. But because of the following I understand why ppl hesitate and don’t want to set older singles up.
I can honestly say that many older singles are set it their ways, and not looking to get married. They’re still looking for that “perfect partner”-heard these words from an older single. Wake up! There’s no such thing. A marriage is never perfect. There’s no fairytale ending. Living with someone requires constant work on oneself. Older singles aren’t readily open to change or evolve. Their vacations with their friends abroad is more important to them than a date that got a go ahead. Then they cry that they’re single and no one wants to redt them to anyone? Yes, we don’t want to redt you. You’re stuck in a Peter Pan phase. It’s literally a waste of our time and a agmas nefesh working with you. Your misplaced angst should be addressed to yourselves. You brought it upon yourself.
Oh, and it’s very not cool to have your parents involved in your shidduchim after you’re 22-23 years old. At 27 it’s downright embarrassing.
I would think she now realizes why she didn’t have to go through the pain of meeting unsuitable matches and dealing with rejection etc. I’m not sure why she’s now craving for suggestions who were obviously not her Shidduch. She just wanted people to suggest unsuitable ideas to keep her hopes high?
Really? oh please these older singles are so difficult and so unrealistic , denial out of touch and selfish a they could of married 100 times over and had many children by now but they want to be in control and so afraid of marriage no bitchon as they reject 99% of any ideas, just to get them to agree to a first date is harder than kries yom suf, although I did read in book rav chaim kanievsky says we shouldnt give up and still try to help.People try so hard to make older singles dates and its a needle in haystack