(Akiva Lehman) — A couple of months ago, I wrote a letter which was published here on VIN. In it, we discussed the age that we marry off our young men. The Torah’s view is that unless certain rare criteria are met, every Jewish man must try his best to be married before he turns 20. (Shulchan Aruch E”H siman 1)
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This is in contrast to the opinion of the world around us that decries this as irresponsible.
This letter was seen by over 15,000 people, and feedback was overwhelmingly positive. So many young silent voices in our community wish they could move on and start a family. They wish for the responsibility that a young man needs to push himself forward. Some of them simply wish they could be better people, and one step in the right direction, recommended by Hashem, is to get married.
לא טוב האדם להיות לבדו!
But not surprisingly, nothing changed. I am definitely not the first to attempt to convince people to marry early, nor do I expect to be the last. This issue is very sensitive, as is every issue that goes against common beliefs and practices, but still needs to change. We can’t settle until it does, for the sake of our young men, women, and more importantly our Father in heaven.
So I write this follow-up to those already on Hashem’s team. This won’t change on its own, and no one single-handedly can change a system. Only as a group can we one at-a-time change the societal norm. Going against the current takes courage, confidence, and resilience, but is worth the effort.
So, how can we actually make change? I wish I knew the answer. I wish there was one simple answer, but there isn’t. Here, however, are some suggestions, which can be a start in the right direction.
- Speak to our Rabbanim. Many Rabbanim believe that boys should aim to be married like the Torah says, but they don’t talk about it because it is not popular. They feel that no one will listen to them regardless, so why fight. Change this, and ask them!
- Let us put our money where our mouth is. The Talmud teaches that the wealthy are largely responsible for the sins of the generation. The reason is that they are the only ones that truly have the power to change things. Money talks louder than we like to admit. So those with this power should be sure to leverage it correctly. Let us support this change in whatever way possible. This includes supporting yeshivos that will go against the grain, and aim to prepare their students for marriage before 20.
- We should teach our children to be ready at 18-19 to marry and start a family. We should at least change ourselves, and our families, if not the world.
- Shadchanim specializing in under 20 for the litvish community would be a big help. Boys would then have a destination to turn to, and girls as well that want the same. Email us if you can do this.
- Talk. The more impressive the team, the bigger the influence.
- I prepared some papers to be put in shuls titled A Lesson from Nach. In these, we bring out the importance of this issue in a different light. Email us at [email protected] to sign up.
Keep in mind that Hashem waits for this! We all know the famous Gemara in Kiddushin. Until a man is 20 Hashem says “when will he marry, when will he marry?”. At 20, if he is not yet married Hashem says ” תיפח עצמותיו, may his bones swell – he is cursed”
This is serious stuff and we need to treat it as such. Let’s make change happen, and bring the Geulah Shleima!
Just attended a lecture where the Rav did not encourage this concept. Said boys are mostly immature at this age and they are dealing with the fallout.
Unfortunately, the maturity levels don’t allow for this to work well.
All I can do is laugh at this.
Look around no one is ready to get married at 20, unless your proposing that the young couple goes on birth control until old enough and responsible enough to make a living, todays societal norms are enormous, you can’t compare the cost of living today to what it was back in the day… giving young people that kind of pressure would result in a spike in divorces and nervous breakdowns, if a kid has a needs he can hire someone, his parents don’t have to spend 100k and inconvenience a lot of wedding guests for that…
Boys mature tremendously between 19 and 23. They also likely earn at least some money during those years and also how to earn a living. It would also cost tens of thousands of dollars more for them to start their married lives years earlier than now, all while they have little way of supporting themselves.
I guess if you’re talking to wealthy people who are able to support their sons and sons-in-law as long as they want, and either plan to hire the boys to work for them or they plan to work in klei kodesh when they’re done, then, other than the maturity issue, it could work.
Otherwise, if the young couple will need to support themselves, then it would seem to be irresponsible to have boys marry earlier.
[…. This includes supporting yeshivos that will go against the grain …..]
There are amazing yeshivos of this caliber who are under the radar with the most dedicated Roshei Yeshiva and their truly amazing rabbaim. I know some in the NYC area as well as in Israel. They are gold.
in Europe people got married younger than again they didnt expect their askan shver to buy them a new car, a Pesach vacation, Brooks brothers shirts and to have an illegal cleaning for them.
There are two people in a marriage, and a good moreh derech won’t advise someone to get married if it wouldn’t be good for his potential wife. In most cases it would not be good for a woman to marry someone so young.
I would support this idea if there was a mandatory “start with one child policy”. Married at the age you say, okay…. but then one child (or birth) and mandatory birth control until the couple is financially self sufficient to handle a larger family and also also buying life insurance for the bread winner of the family must be mandatory.
Be responsible. Also stop quoting things that happened hundreds of years before the light bulb was invented. Certain things changed permanantly. Read about some rishonim, yeah married at 15. Try that today and those involved in the underage marriages will go to jail.
The Torah (Ethics of the Fathers) tells us to distance ourselves from a bad neighbors. Here in Israel, there are many Yeshivoth Katanoth where the students are almost all married by age 20. (However, this may be at your expense, since many are financed by those in exile, who also attend universities.)
3. We should teach our children to be ready at 18-19 to marry and start a family.
Forget the age at the moment – we need to make sure our kids will be ready to marry AND SUPPORT A FAMILY at any age. Finances is one of the top reasons for divorce. While not the only way to prepare for marriage, it certainly is a major part. Most boys learn until they get married, many continue learning after that. Kesuba is clear that it is the husbands job to support his family. It is the fathers job to teach his son a profession.
The Shulchan Aruch actually says we should marry at 18, or earlier if possible.
The roshei yeshivas are the ones preventing thus they want bochurim and their tuitions around till their 23