BROOKLYN (VIN Podcast) — In this VIN exclusive, Rabbi Yitschak Rudimon offers a creative solution to help solve or mitigate the shidduch crisis.
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Put simply, Rabbi Rudimon believes that boys and girls should get married much younger than the current trend. He believes that between age 18-20 is the prime of their lives, and often an ideal time to look for a shidduch.
He recently penned an op-ed about this impactful issue.
However, some important questions remain:
- What is the root cause of the shidduch crisis?
- Why are there more unmarried girls than boys?
- What about the recent proposal to eliminate 12th grade?
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Rabbi Yitschak Rudomin was born to Holocaust survivor parents in Israel, grew up in South Africa, and lives in Brooklyn, NY. He is an alumnus of Yeshiva Rabbi Chaim Berlin and of Teachers College–Columbia University. He heads the Jewish Professionals Institute dedicated to Jewish Adult Education and Outreach – Kiruv Rechokim. He was the Director of the Belzer Chasidim’s Sinai Heritage Center of Manhattan 1988–1995, a Trustee of AJOP 1994–1997 and founder of American Friends of South African Jewish Education 1995–2015. He is also a docent and tour guide at The Museum of Jewish Heritage – A Living Memorial to the Holocaust in Downtown Manhattan, New York.He is the author of The Second World War and Jewish Education in America: The Fall and Rise of Orthodoxy. Contact Rabbi Yitschak Rudomin at[email protected]
Reb Moshe Feinstein zatzal writes in Igros Moshe (Orach Chaim, vol 1, p102) that one need not have a Mechitza at weddings. Maybe singles meeting in appropriate environments would allow attraction or chemistry (just like Yaakov Aveenu and Moshe Rabbeinu met their Rachel and Tzipora) to begin the path to the Chupa.
From my own experience, that year in Israel helped my children mature in ways that would have been difficult to accomplish had they not gone to Israel. So for them, and the thousands like them, how exactly would skipping that year help the Shidduch crisis? It might just be trading in one set of issues for another, possibly greater, set of issues.
You want to fix the crisis?
Bring back singles events, where young men and women can socialize with each other. It worked for many, many years. Most shidduchim were made in the halls of Brooklyn College, Grossingers, Homowack, Pine View, Lake House, Pioneer, etc.
It also helps in gaining maturity, which most of these youngsters are lacking.
Bottom line is that the current system doesnt work; divorces are thru the roof.
freezer, no freezer, israel, no israel, yada yada yada.
You guys sound like the democrats who want to solve the “climate crisis” by turning our lives completely upside down. No stoves, no cars, no gas, no oil, no meat…
Thats what you sound like when you present a solution like this. “No israel”. Its ridiculous.
With total respect, I completely disagree with this. I met my bashert in Israel, after a series of unsuccessful dates in the U.S (along with many many others). In Israel, everyone likes to act as a shadchan, there’s never a shortage of people to set someone up with, and everyone wants to help. Even secular Israelis want to be shadchanim. It doesn’t come with the amount of paperwork, baggage, and frankly rude behavior of the shidduch system in the states. And not nearly as much $.
The shiduch crises is our own man-made crises. I see it no different then someone driving and runs out of gas but blames his breakdown on the gas station. If someone is following their daas Torah and is waiting until 23- 24 to get married Hashem will take care of him This is not the crises. I know an older chasidisher boy who was red a shiddich but the girl had the same name as his mother in many circles this is a non-starter. Obviously, Hashem knows daas Torah, Hashem known the minhagim and he can make things work out. However we do know that we have to do our histadlus and in my opinion; just like its not everyone’s minhag that the girl and the boys mother not have the same name It’s also not everyone minhag to wait until 22-24 to start dating. Too many boys would start earlier but the parents think they’re not ready, need to learn more. I think the chasidisher kehilos have proven you can get married by 20 without a problem. No, you don’t have to sit in like chasidim. you don’t have to finish the shidich after 2 or 3 meetings. Go out as many times as you feel is necessary but by 20 you should be dating already. Another point, I think one of the parts of the crises is that too many boys and girls throw in the towel after one date. Often over a silly thing. If a boy is in yeshiva he may have a rebbi to ask. However many girls don’t have whom to ask and a boy sometimes is out of yeshiva and they go from date to date looking and looking and aren’t even sure what to look for.
Nonsense the girls are back way before 21
if you take support for the darling who wants to learn !!
5 years minimum
you will solve the crisis
the seminary teachers are also at fault
girls need to be taught the difference between a boy who is learning and a non working boy
big diff
people should know what are their priorities in life before they start shiduchim
A “creative solution?” You don’t try to solve one issue by causing a ripple effect of others. Granted, for those who won’t benefit from a year in Israel, the “gap year” is a luxury. What about those who need a year in Israel? What of the tremendous mesiras nefesh of dedicated mechanchim who go way beyond their job description to take their students into their hearts and into their homes? (Btw, will the creative solution include a solution for the dedicated kochos who suddenly won’t find an outlet for their gifts?) And all this on “maybe”? Maybe our youth are mature enough to have their own household at a young age. Maybe they don’t need the growth of Eretz Yisrael. When I contemplate the contribution to my children’s “health” from their rebbeim/moros in Eretz Yisrael, I am glad that the creative solution has not been, and never will be implemented.
Boys skipping Israel would have a good effect on the numbers. Woman starting earlier will not. Frankly I am tired of all this long winded explanations about the deep rooted causes, pickiness, Shadchanim, etc… At the level we see it -it is a simple numbers game and the only solutions are those that involve evening out the ages that the boys and girls date. Nothing else will solve this problem no matter how much you try, how much money you pay anyone or how many Shadchanim you throw at it.
18 year old girls are generally not ready to date and get married. They are still kids and should be focusing on school and friends. 20 year old boys should be focusing on their learning. We need to calm down, stop panicking about shidduchim, and start to think rationally about what is best for people instead of statistics. Pushing people to marry younger will lead to: 1. More divorces and unhappy marriages 2. Poverty/lowered income levels as people start families without having built up work experience or degrees 3. Teenage pregnancy and parenthood before the individuals are ready, mature enough, and have enough stamina, and larger family sizes with younger parents who can’t handle it
And more.
Or it will just lead to longer dating periods and ultimately no change.
The best way to address the age gap is 1. Daven 2. Have men aim to date women who are closer to their own age
How crafty is the Yetzer Hara
The crises is because of money. Bochrim demanding big bucks. Simple. Won’t be solved as long as money is in the equation.