LAKEWOOD (VINnews) — In a recent Hashkafa talk, Rav Gershon Ribner shlit’a said that one man has the power to solve the Shidduch Crisis. Rav Ribner said that the Rosh Yeshiva of Brisk, Rav Avraham Yehoshua Soloveitchik, “holds the power to liberate all who suffer from the shidduch crisis” by establishing a policy whereby his legendary yeshiva would only allow boys to enroll, after they are married, but not as single bochurim.
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The Rosh Yeshiva said that if Brisk made that (dramatic) shift in policy, many other American yeshivas in Israel would need to follow suit, and that would have a domino effect which would push most boys to date and marry younger. He added that, of course, Rav Avraham Yehoshua has his calculations for not making the change, and he must certainly believe that other priorities take precedence.
Although he did not clarify how the shift in policy would solve the crisis, Rav Ribner seemed to be accepting the premise of the “age-gap” theory as the underlying cause of the shidduch crisis. By getting boys to date younger, it would narrow the gap between boys and girls in the dating pool, and thus there would be roughly an equal number of boys and girls dating.
The @LakewoodScoop has tons of comments to this idea by Rav Gershon Ribner to solve the Shidduch Crisis.
Here's one: pic.twitter.com/d0NGFXUixM
— Frum TikTok (@FrumTikTok) March 18, 2024
Rav Ribner also told an incredible story, about a meeting of Gedolim fifteen years ago to discuss the Shidduch Crisis. He said that some Roshei Yeshiva suggested eliminating pre-school, so that boys can finish High School one or two years earlier and start dating earlier. However one of the leaders of the gathering said that while he agreed it might be a solution, it would only solve the problem after fifteen years, but not help the hundreds of girls who were already suffering. He wanted a solution that was more immediate.
Rav Gershon lamented the fact that here we are, fifteen years later, and no solution has been implemented in the past years. Had they implemented that long-term suggestion to eliminate preschool, the crisis might have been solved by now.
The age gap nonsense is silly. The reason why girls who want to marry serious learners are having a hard time getting married (and that is the only shidduch crises) is because it is easier for a girl to say that she wants a serious learner, than for a boy to be a serious learner. Period.
We live in a systematic society. A school system, a seminary system, a Yeshiva system. Send in an application, take an interview and you’re accepted. The problem is that the Shidduch system works differently. You don’t just send in an application with a check. You need to know yourself, be responsible and marriage material. That takes work, and sometimes years. It’s time to stop working with systems and to start developing as human beings.
How about:
No pizza until you’re married, or some other ridiculous suggestion.
Fact: Boys mature (emotionally) later than girls. They can’t get married younger. It will cause/contribute to another crisis: Divorce r”l
R’ Ribner is an employee of BMG of Lakewood. BMG can also do the exact same idea and be even more effective: BMG will only accept married students, not bochurim. So he should speak with his brother-in-law the Rosh Yeshiva R’ Malkiel, quick! קשוט עצמך תחילה
My daughter was dating a Bucher from Yeshiva and the Boys father requested i should fully support him for the next three years so he can sit and learn .
I told him Mazel Tov , keep him in Yeshiva for three more years and when he finishes his learning come back and we will set a date for a Chasene….
No mention of the pickiness of some of these girls PARENTS! No boy is good enough for their princess of princesses. She was thee best student in thee best seminary in Israel and knows kol Hatorah kula, so why should she “settle” for just any Ben Torah talmud chachom muflug? Also, the potential michutan was once seen with a smartphone at work. The jacket he wearing was not dark enough. The tie was to bumish. Etc etc etc… Bottom line. Normal girls from normal families get married. It’s the ones with issues that take a little longer and sometimes have to compromise. This age-gap excuse is like a black claiming victimhood for their failures.
The more we try to change the system the more it stays the same.
The Shidduch Crisis is much more complicated than just “age gap”.
That, my friends, is the Brutal Truth!
PS: Read Shidduch Crisis articles written by Rabbi Chananya Weissman.
While I do agree on some level; there’s another issue, boys are not mature enough to get married at 20 or 21. Some are, but most aren’t.
There are more girls than boys in litvish circles, more boys than girls by Chasidim.
The chasidim who aren’t getting married are often the ones who don’t fit the chasidish mold 100% i.e., the ones a litvish girl would be more inclined to marry.
Having immature childish men get married younger is a disaster. Boys need to be given more responsibility and taught social skills, and not get married until 22ish.
The solution is obvious, but we hate the other too much to actually implement it.
Quote: “Rav Ribner seemed to be accepting the premise of the “age-gap” theory as the underlying cause of the shidduch crisis.”
Of course, he does. Anybody acquainted with elementary arithmetic and with the fact of b”H our constant population growth would inevitably accept the “age gap” as the built-in imbalance between young men and girls. Even if there are other problems and you manage to save them all, the age gap will still be THE problem, which, if unresolved, would negate all other efforts.
It’s the “solution” that Rav Ribner offers that makes me scratch my head. There is a number of young men who can’t get married, for reasons I don’t find necessary to enumerate; some of them never will. So? let’s punish them more? No yeshiva for them?
Why, this is a great idea to end the crisis. Force boys to marry before they can learn. Then boys who want to learn (and never work) will find any ol’ girl to marry, just to get in. Everybody gets married at 18-19 years. End of crisis. But then we have a new crisis. Junky marriages. Oy.
Now that the cherem d’Rabbeinu Gershon expired, there really shouldn’t be a crisis at all. People just need to be a bit more open-minded and get over the restrictive mentality of the past 600 years; and behold! Every single girl will be married!
I know far more guys who are looking for shidduchim – I barely know any girls – there are guys I went to yeshivah with who are in their 40’s and never married – the girls are too picky
and the freezer?
I though age gap theory was debunked ?
The Rosh Yeshiva is 100% correct, not that he needs my haskama. If the boys would marry before going to E.Y. this crisis would be over in no time. This is why by the Chasidim & Israeli Litvish there is no crisis. They marry closer in age.
Anyone who thinks the age gap is not at the heart of the problem, is a person that fails to understand mathematical reality. We all understand that since after WWII the frum Jewish population has grown exponentially. Theoretically there is an exponential increase in each of the 3-5 generations since the end of the war. If girls average 10% younger than boys at marriage, they are generationally ahead of boys in their population increase.
Accordingly, even if we could promote means of closing the marriage age gap, it will take a lot longer than 15 years to fix the problem.
The ONLY way to fix the problem immediately is for the Rabbonim to hold a convention and to enact a Takana accepting the negation of the Cherem Rabeinu Gershom as advocated by Rav Yakov Emden. I don’t think there are 3 prominent rabbonim that have the fortitude to do so. Ask any one and the answer you will hear, “that is out of the question and would amount to a tremendous disaster.”
That may be the intuitive answer, but that doesn’t make it true. The question should be submitted to an expert of Game Theory, like Yisroel Aumann to study from a scientific and mathematical perspective if the benefits would outweigh the drawbacks.
Rabbi Ribner Shlita,
I wouldn’t dare make any comment in contradiction to Rebbi. Wouldn’t one make more of an impact if Rabbi Ribner want directly to Rav Avraham Yehoshua Soloveitchik instead of having people making inappropriate comments.
But then how are BJJ girls gonna marry Brisker buchrim?
I believe there is another facet to the issue: Shadchanim don’t pick up phones or return phone calls because they’re too busy or are not getting responses. My brother, who happens to have a beautiful family, is a talmid chochom of significant stature, and a very successful man in Lakewood. His daughter is beautiful, sophisticated and wants a guy who can learn with good middos who will learn for a significant period of time. Unless bachurim are looking for dim, ugly short girls with no personality, there should be no reason for shadchanim not being engaged. Sorry, but it’s just weird.
If there are more girls than boys, how will it help if the younger boys marry older girls? That would mean that there is even less boys for the younger girls because half the boys that would’ve married them are marrying the older girls. If this cycle repeats itself, In 10 years you’ll be forced to start sending bar mitzvah boys to get married. This is simply not an answer. If there are more girls than boys I’m sorry to break the news but there is no solution to this problem with the exception of repealing takanat Rabbenu Gershom which were not doing so there is really no answer to this problem you can take boys from other pools as much as you want but your just throwing the problem on the next generation who will have even less boys…
(Previously posted this comment but VIN decided to remove it. Hmmm. We’ll try again)
Wanna end the shidduch crisis quickly?? Have the shidduch aged boys and girls seated in the same section at every chasunah, and thus there will be many more weddings from it, guaranteed!! If you want to feel more at ease about the idea, have a few married shadchanim, professional or not, be on hand to help with exchanging info/be the go between, should anyone feel uncomfortable with direct conversation. DONE!!
In Europe there was a crisis too. All the Chasidish stories are about the poor orphan girl who couldn’t afford dowry and didn’t get any suggestions. It was never about the boy. 90% of our parents and grandparents, the man is a few years older than the female. Was it a crisis in Europe too? Maybe and maybe it was the age gap too
What crisis. The whole idea that there is one is strange. Every boy I know that gets engaged is to a girl. It’s not like more boys get engaged than girls.
If there are not enough learning boys for all the girls that need learners than the “crisis” is the girls fault for allowing the learners to have a larger pool to pick from.