New York – Opinion: When A Child or Student Thinks He’s Gay

New York – Rabbi Aryeh HaKohen Katz’s recent editorial addressing Rabbi Shmuley Boteach’s WSJ article on contextualizing homosexuality sparked a number of responses. Some asked Rabbi Katz what he recommended to do if a child or student of his was undergoing such a feeling.

The following is Rabbi Katz’s response:

The Problem:

It is a difficult “what if.” It is a question that most people do not wish to consider because it is somewhat taboo in our circles. But it does happen, nonetheless, and with growing frequency.

And while it is the recent gubernatorial race that has brought the issue more into the public limelight, it is an issue that the Torah community has had to grapple with for a number of decades already.

What if your student or child comes home with the belief that he is attracted to members of his own gender? What is the proper Torah response? What advice would you give this student or child? Also, are there things that we can do beforehand to properly inoculate our youth?

While here we deal with the question of what to do – let us not make the error that Rabbi Shmuley Boteach made in “contextualizing” and consequently minimizing the severity of the prohibition equating it to “eating non-kosher foods.” The RaDak (Shoftim 20:1) describes it as “the great sin encompassing the essence of gnus.” Yet at the same time, like a pernicious, illegal drug, we have to be able to effectively deal with the problem. The dilemma is real, affecting a growing number of our youth, and will not go away if we just stick our head in the sand.

Below are five key steps in addressing the problem.

Relaying the Message

The first thing that we should all realize is that there are plenty of people out there who are doing something that they should absolutely not be doing – they are sexualizing a relationship that shouldn’t happen. And they are doing so by exercising their own desire-filled choice.

Bill Clinton did it with Monica Lewinsky. Pedophiles do it with young children. Adulterers do it with married women. And those people who act on their attraction to members of their own gender are doing it too. What do they all have in common? They are all sexualizing an incorrect relationship which is a violation of the Torah’s commandment of Lo sasuru acharei levavchem veacharei ainaichem.

The fact is that Hashem created us all with Taavos – desires. Most people choose not to pursue those desires when dealing with, say, married women that they come in contact with daily, or with single women. Just as the majority of the world can say to themselves, “Let’s not go there” – would-be pedophiles and those with an attraction to their own gender can say that to themselves as well. In other words, they can exercise their free choice not to sexualize a relationship.

It is a message that, on account of our timidity, we are not really telling our children or even discussing in shul. The Torah felt, otherwise, however. The prominence of the prohibition against adultery in the Ten Commandments or in the Leining on Yom Kippur indicates to us that this is a message that should be spread: “Don’t sexualize an inappropriate relationship.”

And it is not just adultery which is included in the Ten Commandments. Rabbeinu Bachya (Shmos 20) explains that adultery in numerical sequence is the seventh commandment because it encompasses all seven of the prohibitions of Arayos – including homosexuality. The message is quite clear – Don’t sexualize ANY inappropriate relationship.

One of the most profound differences between man and beast is the fact that man was endowed with freedom of choice. When a teacher, or anyone for that matter, is entrusted with the care or education of young children that person must choose to never sexualize that relationship. If the message is not told to them and reinforced – then the would-be offender can begin to fall down a very slippery slope of rationalizations;

“No, they really would like this extra attention..”

“It is really not so bad – the whole world is doing this..”

“There is nothing wrong with love..”

“The Rabbis who forbid this are really just a bunch of hateful bigots..”

Part of what endows us with our “tzelem elokim” or our “Chailek Eloka mimaal” is our ability to exercise our free choice and our intellect. When we fail to heed this message, we make ourselves no better than the beasts in the field.

The Accompanying Second Message

This message, however, should be accompanied with another message too.

The other message should be an affirmation of the student’s or child’s strengths and qualities as a human being. Often a strong factor in the tendency toward a homosexual disposition is a low self-perception of oneself and an alienation from others.

This can and should be counterbalanced by a recognition of one’s strengths, qualities and virtues. Self esteem can also be built up through the involvement in Chessed and other acts of kindness toward others.

It is important to ensure that the affirmation be genuine and real. People are extraordinarily perceptive and if the affirmation is false or phony – then you have just undermined the person’s self-esteem. Honesty and genuineness are key.

Sports

Adolescents and teen agers have an excess amount of energy that, if not properly channeled or focused, can lead them into trouble. Involvement in sports is a very healthy release of energy and should be encouraged. American Litvisha Roshei Yeshiva have recognized this for some time already. Unfortunately, the Eretz Yisroel Roshei Yeshiva and the Chassidisha Yeshivos have not yet recognized this fundamental point.

Reducing Logistical Opportunities

Another very important thing that must be done is to reduce the opportunities available for the person to stumble. Access to internet must be carefully supervised. If one has stumbled with a certain individual – both parties should be made to realize that they should not be alone together in a future situation. The laws of Yichud exist for a reason and even though they may not have initially applied to people of the same gender – the Achronim write that at times it is proper to adopt them (see Bach at the end of Hilchos Yichud). It is important to make sure that the accompanying message of ensuring the child or student perceive his intrinsic self-worth be followed here too. It can be quite a delicate matter.

The Final Element

Find a therapist, coach or advisor that your son can connect with to address the other issues going on his life. Make sure that the therapist is properly trained and follows the Torah Hashkafa on homosexuality. A few decades ago the politically correct world and the pro gay lobby hijacked the regnant views in the scientific world by a popular election and refused to recognize that, just like any other psychiatric or psychological illness – it can be treated.
This is not to say that there are no biological factors that contribute to the homosexual frame of mind. Each person is different and the elements of nature and nurture are found almost in everyone. Work with the therapist to develop a healthy understanding of the underlying factors that have contributed to this frame of mind.

It is not a problem with easy, pat solutions. All change is difficult, but many, many have succeeded and now lead normal, happy lives. The common denominator is that the success stories view a temporary dalliance into homosexuality as an immature phase where there was a temporary, arrested psycho-social development in the their own outlook.

Not all situations, of course, can be rectified and it is important to know that. But many can. Like a lifetime battle with alcohol – sometimes a situation can only be managed well. But the merit for one who succeeds in doing so is very great.

Aryeh HaKohen Katz is a Rabbi and teacher at a Yeshivah in Brooklyn. He can be reached at [email protected]