NEW YORK (VINnews) — This year 65 girls were not accepted to high school. It was only 3 years ago that I was one of those “unlucky” ones who didn’t get accepted anywhere. As my friends and neighbors began to talk about where they chose to go and which friends they’d be together with, I felt embarrassed, sad, and very afraid.
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My parents supported me constantly by telling me how amazing I was and that not getting accepted had nothing to do with who I was or who I wasn’t. I lay awake at night worrying whether any school would ever change their mind about wanting to accept me.
I struggled academically but I had worked hard and had gotten good grades, albeit with modified tests. I was kind, caring and always followed the rules never causing any problems. I had thought that I was liked by my friends. But suddenly I began to question everything about myself. Maybe it was my personality.. ? Did the girls not like me? Was I different? I guess I just wasn’t enough.
Graduation came and went and as all my classmates walked up proudly to accept their diplomas, I walked up feeling embarrassed and unworthy knowing that I had nowhere to go next year. After the ceremony, I walked around the room with my mother and grandmother talking with friends and family. Many of them asked me where I planned to go for high school. I wanted to sink through the floor. I tried to leave as fast as possible but of course my mother wanted to go thank my principal and teachers, so I walked around with my heart pounding hoping that no one would ask me that horrible question again.
In the meantime my parents made phone call after phone call as well as ran from vaad member to principal to school owner. No one seemed to be able to do anything. There wasn’t a place for me. They didn’t want me. I cried myself to sleep night after night. The jealousy, the fear, the sadness.. it was so overwhelming.
I’m not sure how I pulled through that summer. I went to sleepaway camp not knowing what my future held. Every day I listened with a pit in my stomach as the girls discussed how nervous they were to have so many teachers, which uniform was the nicest, and which knapsack was the best choice. Each time school was mentioned, my heart felt like it was stabbed again and again. I returned from camp feeling empty and hollow. While everyone began packing school supplies and shopping for uniforms, I sat at home listening from the next room as my mother made call after call. I wasn’t supposed to know. I wasn’t supposed to hear. But again and again she locked herself in a room and ran anxiously to get the phone when it rang. What is so wrong with me I wondered. I felt so unwanted and alone.
The day before school began, my mother came into my room and sat down on my bed with a smile. She looked worn out and exhausted. “Mazal tov, “ she said. “You’re gonna be going to Bais Yaakov Pninim (name has been changed). I’d never heard of the school. It was new. And I knew no one going. I began to sob. My mother hugged me and cried with me. The pent up emotions ran wild. Two hours later I had dried my tears and we went to get a uniform, supplies and a knapsack. I was worn out from this war and I had no strength left to fight.
It’s three years later now and bh I have found my place slowly but surely. I have made some new friends and the teachers are nice. But I am deeply scarred by what I have been through. There is a place deep within that still feels unworthy and unwanted. I am angry at the teachers and the principals and I am angry at the rabbanim for allowing this to happen and for not standing up to change the system.
When I sit in class and the teachers speak about middos, about caring, about saving another from embarrassment and about rebuilding the bais hamikdash with love and acceptance, I roll my eyes inwardly. I have slowly accepted that Hashem has a reason for what He did and I have rebuilt my connection with him. But I am still resentful to all those who sat quietly and allowed this to happen. If we stand for Torah, then how can we let this continue on? Each one of us will be asked when it is our time to face the Ribono Shel Olam, why were you quiet when you knew others were being pained and embarrassed? What did you do to protect these hailege yidishe neshamos of these beautiful precious bais yaakov girls, the mothers of the future generation and hopefully moshiach.. and I’m not sure that most of you will have an answer.
The above letter was submitted by a VIN reader. The views expressed here belong to the author and do not necessarily reflect that of VINnews.
The problem is not the principal or the owner. The problem is the community and how its been sliced into pieces. I know plenty say it’s not possible but that’s false. We need to drop the labels and the sectioning. My (large) school I attended ranged from kids of Choshuv Yeshiva Rebbeim to knit yarmulke Bnei Akiva types. Some had TV’s & some didn’t know what a TV was. Some kept Cholov Yisrael, some didnt. Some Davened at Agudah, some at a minimum Mechitza Shul. The point is it didn’t make a difference. We learned together, played together, went on trips together and we’re all better for it. And guess what? The kids ended up like the families they came from. Hashkafa comes from the home not the kid in the next seat. When the community drops the hyper-segregation based on meaningless factors the schools will be able to more easily accept students. Though I’m not holding my breath this will happen.
I know full well the pain that this young girl suffered. My grandchildren were refused a yeshivah because of Loshon horah and one principal to the next gossiped. Unfortunately,my grandkids ended up in public school. They have left their connection to yiddishkeit. I am devastated.Shame on these principals
They will have to answer to HKBH in this world and in the next.
If you wrote this article yourself, you seem to have developed an amazing talent as a writer/storyteller. Everyone’s path is different and in your adversity, you may have just found your new path
The schools should not be sending out acceptance letters before every girl has a place! If they will ultimately take every girl why in the world should they make these girls feel like dirt and garbage!? Killing these innocent kids!!
I know a few girls that got two or three acceptance letters and some that got none. Why!? Are we an elitist society? If you get straight A’s or were GO, we want you. True ahavas yisroel has unfortunately disappeared. And from who? Our educators. The ones who are teaching our children to love and accept others. Let’s stop being hypocrites. Let’s really care about one another.
If every principal can meet/talk with the students parents and find out their first choice we can eliminate a lot of the problem here. We Will immediately free up a lot of slots so that others can be accepted without feeling like second fiddle.
Lets make our nation great again! Accept and love one another like your own.
any school that doesn’t accept a student boy or girl because they are not academically smart enough is oiver on LO SIRZUCH – plane & simple – killing a Yiddishe nesumah for nothing………………………..
Very powerful article. Extremely well written and well said. It sounds like your real education came from a home with excellent values.. May Gd grant you easier times ahead as you continue to grow. From the quality of the article, I’e surely be proud to be the principal of the high school from which you graduate. Chazki v’Emtzi.
We have failed as a community. We are all guilty.
Wow what a powerful letter. Sooo well written.
Thanks so much for writing about this
I guess I am one of the 65 parents who go through this right now
Yes our daughter is in sleepaway camp without knowing where she’s going to go with everyone asking her where you going and there is silence
It’s been months dealing with this sleepless nights business going down
Everyone in the family is feeling this pain
And yet there is no voice to this problem
My daughter keeps on asking me what did I do wrong and she didn’t do anything wrong
Just because someone called the school complaining about us without knowing anything
I Can tell you as a father the pain is beyond anything that you can never imagine being a father looking your daughter in the eyes and don’t have what to tell her
Our lives has changed forever we will never be the same
A crying father and mother
I couldn’t agree more with the author. We teach our children and students how precious every Jewish neshama is and then allow them to feel rejected, unwanted, not enough. If we don’t denounce practices such as these, we are hypocrites.
Why aren’t there more schools that go from Kindergarden all the way to grade 12? No high school admissions would be needed. You can still run different divisions on the school with those trained for that age but there can be one hashkafa for the whole school and once your in your in. Or maybe, though I know people wouldn’t want it, we need schools that are just geographically the school you go to. Like public schools. You live closest to this school you go there. No system is perfect, but the destruction that our current system is supporting needs to end.
The school situation in the frum community is unfortunately in very bad shape. As a community we have failed our children and its really sad
Very powerful… I’m impressed she has stayed frum
I’m to stupid to have an opinion but wow that some powerful letter. Really struck between the eyes. Every yiddishe neshama is so precious and valuable and important. Bh you had a great mother that helped you get through this. Imagined a girl that goes through this without a supportive mother?!?
I love living in ‘out-of-town’ where we don’t have to deal with this!
The message taken from the letter is, every one should be registered in the beginning of the summer, and no one shall get acceptance letters before every one has a school to go to. And perhaps do the same for boys who are having a hard time getting into yeshiva
That’s why השם send the government to mix into our חינוך!
Our system at large has lost Jewishness and in a creeping slow manner that doesn’t raise alarm, has taken on certain characteristics found in mob and cult societies and is latent with hypocrisy for those wielding power.
You’re very strong!!
They’ll be knocking on your door one day.
Keep growing and stay positive.
Strive to be better, and maybe one day you’ll become an educator and this will be a learning experience.
You’re perfect!!
Well the views so cogently and respectfully expressed by the author should reflect the views of VINnews, unless of course you think it is right that precious neshomos are treated with such hateful disdain.
Beauthiful letter. Don’t hold your breath waiting for any change. So long as the power$ that be value $$ and prestige over the children, so long as we have the writers for the Jewish Magazines like Mishpacha continue to be apologists for this broken $y$tem, NOTHING WILL CHANGE!!
As long as you wear a white shirt, consume chalav yisroel in public view, shukle yeshivish during shmoneh esrei, and get araingiton in a shvere sugya during lecha dodi, your children will be accepted into any Yeshiva you please.
Why do you not agree with letter writing !
So you are just like all the rest who don’t stand up for others
You should be supporting her with capitol letters!!!!
Shame on you
My son was rejected from 6 applications, a very good chasdish boy with full levush, not smoking no access to bad stuff, a happy יר”ש health boy.
The excuse, they want a מציון only in learning and he is average.
HEARTBREAK!
I don’t know why this happened to you or why the Rabbonim allow this to happen but they are shlichim at best. I do know that EVERY thing that happens in our life is exacted by HKBH measure for measure and not a hair’s breath more will happen to us. One day, we’ll have clarity. For now, comfort yourself with the knowledge that HKBH has a plan for you and everything that happens to you adds to your “tool kit” to fulfill your very own individual tafkid in the world, same as amazing people who are single or childless. For now, my best advice is to focus on your future and endless potential and not onyour past. Use your feelings to help others.
There are those that would relegate Chani to the kitchen making Kugel. Take a page from her book , you can be anything and everything you want to be, ignore the nay sayers, they are just koch leffels stirring a chulent!
Honest question. To the author.
Really wondering.
Was there no room in any frum school, OR Is there no room in the “chosheve” “paast” school? While there is room in a more “neb” albeit decent/good school?
Don’t mean to offend – but I always wonder this, whenever I hear of this issue.
The schools have to pick a lane. If they are private institutions, then stop fundraising and carry the financial burden all by yourself like a regular business owner. Then you can decide which girls to pick and which to reject based on your own criteria (read; money, yichus, connections). If not, and you want to fundraise and have community support, then you aren’t a business and you aren’t entitled to that. Our entire education system is so rotten, it should be torn down and rebuilt from scratch. It’s like the educators live in a different world and teach to that. So sad.
As soon as a girl learns that she will not be able to go to school with her friends, it is all over! So many lost owing to our “heroes”! Some here believe she should go to the school that is willing to accept her. But where is that school? It does not exist! Some here believe the solution lies with elementary schools also having a high school. News flash: Elementary schools with high schools also do not accept their own students! Even the so-called neighborhood schools like Torah Vodaath. In my generation, everyone was welcome even dumbbells. They bothered no one. And guess what? They married and have beautiful homes in Klal Yisrael! Personally, I do not believe this letter was written by any student that suffered such rejection for these students are lost to our community. This practice is outrageous and the pain to a family does not diminish with time. Wait until it is in your backyard. It is coming!
Elementary schools must open high schools. I see chaim was burned and that sounds nuts. But I think ot solves 95% of the issue. If you are pumping at least two grades into the system open your own. Even if you are a great princpal and get your studnets into HS, the weaker kid who only get into HS Y vs HS X will be stigmatized for life.
My son was out of a school for months, they said I am not affiliated to the ‘not-so-united’ talmudical academy, even though I wear the same levush like them, and have a flip phone just like (some of )them. In the end we cried and they gave in.
Teaching about achdus and ahavas yisroel is easy and very important. But mechanchim need to practice what they preach and be role models. They can build or chas vesholom destroy a child. They should take their roles very seriously.
Dear Daughter, But in the end, Hashem watched over you and sent you where HE wanted you and it truly is the best place for you whether you see it or not. You are and have always been HIS daughter, and no one can make you feel unworthy etc, except your own Yetzer Hora. Hashem has a plan for everyone. Some girls or boys wait years to get married or have children, or succeed in their chosen path. Avraham Avina as well. That doesnt make us unworthy. THere are great seforim to learn about Bitachon. Use this as an opportunity to grow. And always remember, just like your loving parents taught you, you are not the problem. You just need to find the solution Hashem had planned for you. May you have much hatzlacha.
To me it seems that it’s the parents who rightfully want the best for their children and often won’t settle for less. There are schools that would accept almost every kid, but the parents don’t want to send to that school. I’m not saying the parents are wrong but the blame is not exclusively on schools for only accepting those that they feel can succeed there.
This seems to be a yearly occurrence in Brooklyn and Lakewood. The excuse is lack of space. Naaa it’s because we only want a certain look. A certain dress mode preferably from a wealthy family (then all is forgiven)
Elitist yeshivas that produce mediocrity
For every child they refuse that ends up
In public school we’ve list not one child but Doros if children
Can someone at VIN tell me why I’m being blacklisted.
This goes on by boys too. The only real solution is to have every elementary yeshiva and girls school have their own high school or Mesivta.
My heart goes out to this girl and all others in this situation – though I am confused.
Doesn’t each community have a community school that needs to take in all the children of that place? And if they are truly full, could it b we are lacking schools?
Sad
Hatzlacha rabba
To those that say its the parents;
Yes in elementary school aka primary or pre1A its often the parents who just don;t want a new school, altough not always. Bec it makes no differnec to a 4 year old where she/ he goes.
However, when its gets to HS its much more touchy. Say your 8th grader’s best friends got into school X, and you as a parent say OK I won’t be picky and Ill send her to school Y. Now that girl is 8th grade and failry mature, she understands whats going on and can’t be with her friends. What do you think that does for a child.
So the argument that parents nned not be picky works best in primary but not when your daughter is 13 and cries every night that she hates school Y bec its nerdy
I cry for the author of this letter. I cry for myself and my kids who have walked the same shoes and path… yet I can write so much more to the disgusting behavior of the principals, rebeim, so called high fly askanim. I agree that our society has become very judgemental and boxed in. But not because of this should innocent yiddishe neshomos suffer.
Recently, when schools sent out letters for parents and family members to sign by the throes… regarding government rules in our chinuch system. The first thing that came to my mind was, Hashem is taking care of the lost souls. The mechanchim are NOT doing their duties… so Hashem is sending a foreign army to take care of what the so called mechanchim should have been taking care of.
It’s high time, the system changes!!
Just want to add that girls should not be evaluated on “academic achievements,” because that’s NOT the main tachlis of chinuch l’bnos. It’s their middos. It’s how prepared they are (or becoming) to be excellent wives and mothers.
Isn’t aguda working to help non askanim on this?
you are lucky if you do not get into a yeshiva. I went to a yeshiva and never learnt about secular studies at all. I could not read, write or spell and had no idea what a molecule was. as a result i am 36 and never held a job. i just walk around all day holding up a sign about how i was denied a secular education by my yeshivah. waaah!! i never learnt about science so i had no idea how important it was to double mask and spay all tiloet seats with disinfectant until i read about it in the times.
2 eitzos, go where you are wanted, we generally are stubborn and want to davka to the school that said “we have no space”
Ask the school is there anything I ( the parent or student) can do to prove that I am worthy and serious , or have an uncle or rav ask for you. Lastly when the school does take in some weaker students or struggling families..don’t yet in the bungalow circle …you won’t believe it they took in ….