Jerusalem – The community council of Jerusalem neighborhood Har Nof recently launched a new workshop for wives and mothers-in-law. Included among the topics on the syllabus are how to avoid being bossy towards your daughter-in-law and maintaining family boundaries.
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The idea for the workshop, aimed at haredi women, came from a neighborhood resident who deals in marriage and family counseling. The workshop is intended for older women whose sons are married to younger brides.
Within the workshop framework, the participants learn how to be “good mothers-in-law” and to develop good relationships with their daughters-in-law and their sons. The studies deal with methods for preventing conflict and unnecessary tension with the love of their sons’ life.
The workshop is being put on as part of the activities of the Jerusalem Association of Community Councils and Centers’ project called Time Bank, which is taking place in 13 community centers throughout the city.
In the Har Nof community center, for instance, more than 80 women offer to swap their services such as lessons on how to take care of physically or mentally disabled children. They also hold evening meetings for women only, cooking workshops for the holidays, and trips throughout the country.
The Time Bank activities allow participation in community activities in exchange for time invested on behalf of the participant in place of money. The exchange is done on the basis of the amount of time spent in an activity, and not on the activity’s contents. For instance, a participant who plays the piano well can offer another member an hour of piano lessons in exchange for an hour of help cleaning the house or an hour of walking the dog.
Teaching a mother in law is wasting time
Since when do haredi women walk dogs?
With large families, its almost impossible to keep track of each in’law’s special meshugaas and maitain sholom bayis….I’ve been yelled at for mixing up which groise baalabusta insisted on having her gefilte fish withoutg chrain…
all man have bad attitudes towards mother inlaw. makes the whole family miserable
This cannot be needed – chareidi families have shalom bayis.
outside of the very ultra Orthodox frum people do own dogs for your information.
And the shuchun Orach says one is permitted to walk a dog on a leash in a reshis horabin and it is not considered carrying so I guess at one time frum people did have dogs and was not taboo as it is now as like many other things
I love it when the Shvigger says “I never mix in.. but this time I feel it’s important”.
Klal Gadol – Whenever they mix in there is always extra stress and aggravation leading to strained relationships. And then on top of that when she does get involved suddenly the whole velt knows about your issues and what you’re doing wrong– ofcourse only according to your shvigger’s warped perspective!!
Why can’t they just learn to be positive and supportive.. and stop being such a pain. They may actually gain an eidim which will appreciate them.
SHVIGGER.. I HOPE YOU ARE READING THIS !!!
why cant every shvigger be like mine? goes outta her way to make us happy whenever we come, and almost never sticks her nose where it doesnt belong. but i have a sister whose m-i-l always knows the wrong thing to say. life at her in laws is a nightmare
I forgot to add this. There are plenty of things my eidim do (or usually don’t do, including helping their pregnant wives) but i have to bite my tongue for the sake of THEIR Sholom Bayis & my relationship with my daughters. In the end, I go home to my husband & they could end up having fights because of me.
Shviggers everywhere…learn to shut up & let them get on with their lives. All joking aside, I agree with #7 . If you want to be a welcome & loved bubby you’ll listen to me. Don’t give an opinion. My shvigger A”H wouldn’t give her opinion even when I asked! That’s a bit strange, but eventually I understood her reasoning & we never had even a tiny disagreement & got on very well. We weren’t very close (the only thing we had in common was her son) but we were friends & enjoyed visiting each other. More than that is a bonus.
I think this should be for all orthodox women, not only chareidi!
Shvigers should know that although under American law there is FREEDOM of speech thier speech and etzisos more often then not cause SHOLOM BAIS problems.
My wifes mother has been causing such problems for 25 years. I should have married a YESOYMA.
Lots of mother-in-laws need to learn to let go of their sons, and not to control their daughters-in-law, ——- and lots of Mothers need to let go of their daughters and let them have a life of their own.
I have b”h 4 daughters-in-law and I have the most wonderful relationship ever! Rules are 1. Never give your opinion unless asked! 2. Never criticize 3. Accept your daughters in-law unconditionaly and with love 4. Give, Give, Give, meaning see the positive and give compliments, open your pocket and give $$$, buy presents for the einiklech…and finally if you see them make mistakes….LET THEM…..LET THEM learn on their own, in their own time, in their own way!!!
If you follow the above rules, you will have a LOVING relationship……Believe me, I know!! and you want to know why?? Cause I learned from my Mother-In-law! Whatever she did to me, I always promised myself I WILL NEVER DO TO MY KIDS!!
She always had an opinion, she always criticized, and offered very little love so I learned what it felt like!
Why did Adam Harishon live for so long? cause he did not have a Shviger!
My mother in law’s favorite way to begin a sentence is “I would never tell you what to do, but…” followed by telling me how I should do whatever it is she is talking about. I always ignored it, just smiled and yessed her and then did what I thought was right. I thought we had a good relationship until the day she asked my husband why she doesn’t have a good relationship with me. Oy vey. Follow that up with some extreme meddling and we barely have a relationship anymore. I don’t stand in the way of her being Bubby to my kids, because she is a wonderful Bubby, and I have learned something valuable from her – how not to be as a mother in law. My childrens’ spouses will thank her one day.
Why is it that people always have something to say about mothers-in-law? What about fathers-in-law? Half the time anything you hear from mil is really just her voicing what fil has said. Remember that we both have in-laws. So it is not really “in-laws” who criticize, it is really parents who can’t let go of their adult children married or not.
A man’s mother is his past.
His wife is his future.
Any man who fails to stick up for his wife or who takes his mother’s side in these things does not understand what it means to be a husband.
My mother bitterly opposed my marriage. I made it clear that I was not marrying them and would not hear a bad word about my beloved. Soon after the wedding my mother came around. As my wife explained it there was a territorial dispute. I was the territory. She (my wife) won. My mother was gracious in defeat.
The sisters? Not so much. We no longer speak.
These problems usually start when a Daughter in-law perceives something a mother in-law says to be offensive. The DIL then turns on her husband while the son/husband often has no idea what’s going on. The DIL accomplishes turning the son against his mother, and everything heads toward a downhill spiral. Do you really think that so many MIL’s want to destroy their sons’ marriage weeks or days after the wedding. No, of course not. It is not only the MIL that is at fault here, it is primarily the actions of the immature daughter in-law that is causing all this machlokes. The son/husband has the mitzvah of Kibud Av V’em for his parents and his in laws. How could he possibly do this mitzvah in such a situation. Parents, teachers, morahs, mechanchim, you need to teach your daughters mature behavior– whats acceptable and whats not– before they get married. Don’t let them destroy that potential bayis ne’eman that we all look forward to. Shame on this generation to even think we need MIL courses. Nebach!
Rabbi Avigdor miller said inlaws should only give kavod and money!!!
if they don’t have money then at least they can give kavod,,, only positive..
AH I really enjoyed reading all these stories !
I’ve always thought it’s important to me to really get along with my in-laws, especially my mother-in-law, my ex shvigger was even more important to me than my mother, that was really great, I wish the same for everyone and myself included for next one
loved reading all the comments. I personally get along well with my daughters-in-law but I always feel uncomfortable when people “joke” about horrible mothers-in-law butting in to their children’s lives. I guess every daughter-in-law who takes a “poke” at her mother-in-law should remember this: in twenty years YOU are going to be the butt of the mother-in-law jokes, so.. don’t do unto others what is hurtful (or what will be hurtful…) to you.
I find it so sad ,that always jokes are being made about the horrible mother-in-law.mothers-in-law are also only human.they are allowed to voice an opinion. I think that alot of problems are created where there are none,by IMMATURE daugters-in law.
and by us it;s the father-in-law who always says the wrong thing and no one really makes a big fuss about that
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Once upon a time,in the shtetl,when the young couples had to move in with the parents-in-law,it was diifficult for the young bride.she had to try hard to please the mother-in-law.
Today i know from conversations with friends,most mothers-in-law summersault backwards,trying to please their daughters-inlaw.They give and give and give…………….and it’s never enhaugh.
personally,i have a very good relationship with my elderly MIL and with my DIL x2.And with my daughters.I try to be nice to everybody.Allthough I once in a While say my say,and allthough;there’s not always too much money for everybody.
We all have to be more easygoing and not weigh every word being said.
And have You ever Tought about the widowed mother-in-law.What makes her say the things she says,that may really be hurtful?Perhaps her married kids do things to her to hurt her,and thats whats coming back?
So “Hot zi gezogt”
TAKE IT EASY ALL OF YOU OUT THERE
and have a good new year
Quote: The workshop is intended for older women whose sons are married to younger brides.
Let’s see in how many ways we can mutate this line:
A younger woman whose son married an even younger bride – can she apply?
How about a younger woman whose son married an older bride? An older woman whose son married an older bride?
Wait. Isn’t it self-obvious that their sons married a bride? This is talking about the Orthodox community, right?