NEW YORK (VINnews) — In the wake of the horrifying story that that has unfolded over the last few decades, and more recently in the public sphere, a survivor of abuse (not related to the Chaim Walder affair) has shared a heartwrenching open letter.
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The full letter is below:
THE CLUB NO ONE WANTS TO BE IN
I joined a club recently
I actually have been in this club most of my life but my awareness of it was non existent until recently
I wish I could tell you that this is an exclusive club
One that’s hard to join
Whose members
are few and far between
But this club is actually pretty big
And there’s new members popping up everyday
I see them at work
At the supermarket
Even at the gym
I didn’t ask to join this club
No one ever does
But alas I’m finding myself a member of it
And the companionship of other members only gives so much comfort
Because even surrounded by others who understand me
Others who’ve been through what I’ve been through
And understand my struggles
Even with that
I still feel so alone
Unrecognized and misunderstood.
You see,
this club is the club for survivors
Survivors of sexual abuse
The topic that still too often gets shoved under the rug
The topic that makes people uncomfortable
That people don’t want to talk about
That leaves us survivors drowning in a puddle of shame.
When I first acknowledged my membership in this club last year I was terrified
I couldn’t even say the words out loud
I couldn’t talk about it with anyone
My own husband didn’t know about it
But slowly over time
I’ve been trying to swim to the top of this shame puddle
Slowly emptying one bucket at a time
So I can keep my head above the water
So I can stop drowning ..
Some days are better than others
Some days leave me with hope
That I can heal and live a happy and full life
Today was not one of those days
Today was a very hard day
When I innocently walked into the library at the elementary school I work in
And the first thing I see is an entire shelf filled with books by Chaim Walder
And I feel the wind knocked right out of me
Like I was punched in the gut
The feeling takes over my entire body
And the room starts spinning
And I can’t breathe
I’m trying to gather my thoughts so I can calmly walk over to the librarian so she could explain to me why those books are still on those shelves
It isn’t easy
But I do it
And she looks at me blankly
Almost confused
Like she can’t understand why they shouldn’t be there
Like she can’t understand why I’m sick to my stomach at the thought of another child picking up a book written by that monster
And suddenly I know why she’s confused
I know why she doesn’t get the severity of it
I know why she can breathe in this room
She’s confused by my shock because she’s CLEARLY not a member of my club
Because no members in my club have those books on their shelves
No members in my club want their children touching anything with that monsters name on it
Because these club members would also feel the wind knocked out of them at the sight of his name
Because we know
We get it
We understand the pain of his victims
And the anguish that they’re going through after bravely coming forward last month
And yet we live in a world where so many people still don’t get it
They still don’t understand why we are reeling
They’re still uncomfortable
And they want to shove it deep under the rug
And they don’t want to throw out the books because they’re children love reading them
And they don’t understand the message they are giving their children when they allow this
And can I blame them?
I want to
Because I’m enraged by their naivete
And their silence
But if I’m being honest with myself I’m also a little jealous
Because this ignorance they possess
Is a direct result of not being in the club
The club that we don’t talk about
The club that leaves us drowning in a puddle of shame
The club I never asked to join
The club whose members suffer in silence
The club no one wants to be a part of
And so they keep these books on the shelves
And club members around the world are suffering in silence about it
We can’t get up and shout alone
We need the entire community to stand up and help us
Everyone now has an incredible responsibility to this club and all its members
Be our voice
Take those books and eradicate it from the world
Do not allow any other members of this club to lose the ability to breathe at the sight of those books
Show us you care
Show us you will carry our pain on your shoulders too
Take some of the weight we carry so we no longer have to
Because it was never ours to hold in the first place
Pick up a bucket and dig us out of the puddle of shame
So that we can finally breathe again!
Editor’s note: The author of this letter is a member of the Ray Of Hope organization. VIN has verified the authenticity of this letter with the organization. Ray Of Hope supports female survivors of abuse to foster recovery and healing. To learn more, please visit WWW.RAYOFHOPEUS.ORG.
I went through abuse, too…from a family member. And then I endured the torment of denial and the propaganda made up against me for a few years. I thought I’d never marry a good girl, have a proper family or succeed. Hashem gave me all those things in the end. In time, you’ll forgive those who hurt you. And then you’ll only begin to see the greatness you can achieve. Don’t blow up the people who hurt you beyond recognitions. They’re humans; very small and flawed humans. You don’t need closure with them. You don’t need to dwell on the past. You need to become bigger than the circumstances you’re in. And you can do that.
This letter gives me the chills. May all the victims of abuse heal fully.
Years ago no one talked about cancer, or miscarriages or giving birth to children with downs syndrome, as if you were guilty of some crime. We have come so far. We need to erase the stigma and shame. We need to support and feel supported. May the Torah be our guide.
You are a hero and courageous. Be strong. I believe you. And I know it was not your fault. May God love and heal you. And know that we are one step closer to holding these predators accountable. Change happens slowly – but it will come.
Dear letter writer, welcome to the club! I’ve been here for 30 years. I’ve graduated with honors and so can you. Your courage speaks volumes. Be strong and be tough. I have come to the point with the help of Hashem, my loving spouse and many Rabbonim and gedolim where I am actually ALMOST grateful for the sexual abuse I have endured. It made me resilient and it made me realize how precious our vulnerable children are. I’ve strengthened so many. I became a listening ear to so many. I’ve built relationships with so many good people that were willing to hear my story and help me rebuild. I’ve forgiven but never forgotten and perhaps, only perhaps, that is why God put me on this world.
Keep strong, I’m praying for you and I’m sure so many of the readers here are as well.
Thank you for sharing. This is a club that no one deserves to be in.
tough questions , but NO GOOD answers? stigma, silence, shame..under the rug.. these are not true & are buzz words..we need real solutions
. its 20 years now the amount of frum molesters actually in jail now less than a minyan , a website with names that 99% people never heard of, the victims that spoke out are in many ways worse off , split families, left community..some of the biggest stories actually won in court , (the lawyers made money) , organizations in this particular field are each doing their own thing& barely on talking terms with the others ,
there is NO RUG , shame yes , would you let your son or daughter go out w a victim ? do u want your kids playing there on shabbos?
TRAUMA- i think to myself where would we all be if our grandparents after the holocaust would’ve dealt with trauma the way the support groups espouse? i’ve interviewed molesters & followed on the ground many stories , its frustratingbut it ends up in checkmate – next time you meet a big frum psych. at a wedding ask who he recommends …the answer will be i’m not really sure maybe hemmm, pelcovitz..cant really get in more time lecturing..
this route of wallowing in the past waiting for ” THE COMMUNITY” to recognize you …doesn’t work – even if in principal you are 1000% correct
the key is prevention
Every forum and zoom meeting with Rabbonim and therapists have stated unequivocally and forcefully to remove the books. They are being trashed everywhere as they should be.
We are all with you, and will swim beside you!
In the community, forget about pointing the finger of blame, that causes 3 fingers to point back at you and your lack of accountability, concern, prescient awareness (good luck with that one). Your global, perhaps universal denial and worst of all your smugness that this only happens by yenim and not ours.