OPINION: Chinuch is Not a License to Force Children to Do Things They Don’t Want to

NEW YORK (Yaakov M / VINnews) — In this week’s Chinuch Roundtable, a father asked whether he should “persuade” his 12 year old son to attend their Rav’s Shabbos drasha after davening.

Most boys his age (and some adults) do not stay inside shul. The father believes it is disrespectful for them to leave, however his son prefers to hang out with the other kids.

The esteemed panelists held an array of opinions about whether the father should push the boy to remain inside.

First, let me say that we all sincerely want what’s best for the child, even if we have different approaches. With that said, I would like to add a perspective that I feel was not emphasized in the responses.

I do not believe that “Chinuch” entails pressuring or forcing children to do things they do not want to do. The obligation of chinuch requires a parent to guide, direct, and teach. But we should never force children for spiritual reasons.

Let’s break this scenario down a bit.

One aspect of chinuch requires a parent to teach his child to perform mitzvos and not do aveiros. A father must instruct his child to wear tefillin, bentch, learn Torah, avoid lashon hara, avoid chillul Shabbos, and other mitzvos. This is a requirement.

A second aspect of Chinuch is teaching children the proper middos. This is no doubt a crucial aspect of chinuch and parenting, perhaps even the most important. However it is nuanced and subjective, and it’s hard to set blanket rules for all situations.

In the scenario raised, it is difficult to see any concrete mitzvah or aveira. I don’t believe that anyone feels that the boy is halachically obligated to remain in shul, or doing an aveira by leaving (other than bitul Torah, which is not relevant to the question).

This was a question of proper middos, which may not have the same parameters as concrete mitzvos.

I believe that the father has no obligation to force the boy to remain against his will, as a means of teaching proper respect. In fact, it is probably detrimental to his growth.

Sure, the boy may be outwardly going through the motions and showing respect for the Rav. But is he happy to be there? Will he feel resentful?

He will be wishing that he can be with his friends, and years later, when his father is not there, the boy will be more likely to escape Rabbi’s speeches, which he has been taught are a burden, rather than learning that it is a valuable way to spend his time.

To fulfill his chinuch obligation, the father needs to teach the proper perspective. He must express that the respectful thing is to remain inside. He needs to teach the proper middos and Ratzon Hashem. If the son chooses to do “the wrong thing”, I believe the father has fulfilled his obligation.

Hopefully the son will internalize the lesson. That is somewhat beyond our control.

Chinuch is not a license to force or pressure children, or even badger them and make them feel overly guilty. It is an obligation to teach children the emes, and let them decide how to proceed (which in this case, it sounds like the father did.)

As far as respecting the Rav, while that is certainly something we should be sensitive toward, it is not the problem of a twelve year old who wants to have fun with friends. (To be clear, if a child is actively hurting another person, that would be different, and a parent would need to intervene. However this situation is not comparable to those.)

My son told me the following story about the yeshiva he learned in, where the boys were allowed to choose which shiur to attend. As one would expect, the more popular Rebbeim attracted large crowds, while some Rebbeim only had 2-3 boys in their shiur.

My thoughtful and conscientious son asked a mentor if he should attend one of the less popular shiurim, out of concern for the Rebbi’s feelings being hurt. He was given a profound reply (paraphrased): “Yes the Rebbi’s ego may be hurt, but you should not be solving that at the expense of your personal growth.”

While not a perfect parallel, this is a crucial lesson. We sometimes push our children to do the “right thing” for others, while not taking into account whether it is best for THEM.

We can choose to sacrifice OURSELVES for the sake of others, but we have no right to sacrifice our children. They are people, and have a right to decide (with heavy guidance from parents) whether they want to suffer for the sake of another.

The author studied in Kollel for 14 years, was a Bais Medrash Rebbi over a decade, taught eleventh grade bekius, and obtained smicha from a top Rosh Yeshiva.

THE VIEWS EXPRESSED DO NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT THOSE OF VIN NEWS