By Rabbi Yair Hoffman for 5tjt.com
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YH: First off, thank you for the interview, I realize that it is getting close to Shabbos in Yerushalayim. Our topic is the 4 biggest problems in shidduchim.
What would you say is the biggest problem in dating today?
HT: After working in the realm of shidduchim for decades, it has become clear to me that for the guy (or gal) who dates 50 girls, the solution is not to go out and date #51. The problem is one of chinuch, and it needs to be addressed.
YH: Wow! That’s hard-hitting. Which type of people are you referring to with this “chinuch issue?”
HT: I am not referring to what we can call, “the Singles in the Upper West Side,” where I believe the prominent problem is one of entitlement and the inability to commit.
YH: So those are problems number 2 and number 3? The sense of entitlement and the Inability to commit?
HT: Yes, but an evening devoted to hadracha will not (sufficiently) alter those who suffer from these two problems.
YH: So who are you referring to in problem #1 – those in need of a pre-req mini-course?
HT: I am referring to earnest young people who have been exposed (as we all have) to a society whose goal in marriage is not to establish a mishkan for Hashem. In this realm, chinuch and hadracha can be extremely beneficial.
YH: So what skills do you think can be tweaked in such an evening?
HT: One who is dating and certainly before once commences, must work on 1] learning on how to get along with people.. 2] how to be communicative 3] how to be nice and 4] how to show appreciation.
YH: And your event hopes to cover these issues?
HT: Well, we can start with identifying the problems and underscoring the need to address them.
YH: Is there a fifth?
HT: Yes, just as important is the desire to work out a problem, and not to avoid it.
YH: Interesting. What are other hurdles that we need to overcome?
HT: The fear of making a decision is also a major obstacle regarding shidduchim. People go into panic over deciding what they want for dessert. Essentially, they need to learn how to adopt an appropriate decision-making process.
YH: I understand that you are also doing something about it. Tell me about your forthcoming event in the 5 Towns that will address some of the underlying issues. What is it called and where and when will it be held?
HT: It is called, “Guide For the Vexed.”
YH: Nice name. Who is the event catered toward?
HT: It is for anyone dating, anyone about to date, and parents of those in the process. Men and women are invited, separate seating. It is planned for Motzai Shabbos Bereishis on October 22nd in the Young Israel of Lawrence/Cedarhurst at 9 PM.
YH: Food?
HT: Yes, of course.
YH: So what’s the topic?
HT: It is a guide for navigating shidduchim. Believe it or not – it is chinuch for dating – kind of like a pre-requisite course. Shidduchim is the most important decision in one’s life – shouldn’t it be an informed decision?
YH: Yes, of course. Who are the Rabbinic endorsements from?
HT: In alphabetical order, Rabbi Eli Belizon, Rabbi Eliakim Koehigsberg, Rabbi Hershel Schachter, Rabbi Eli Baruch Shulman and Rabbi Moshe Weinberger.
YH: Well, thanks very much. I realize that it’s time to let you go for Shabbos. Hatzlacha on the event. I understand Rabbi Eitan Feiner and Rabbi Aryeh Lebowitz are part of the program – along with a short film presentation too. And that there is $10 entrance fee to defray the costs.
HT: Yes, please help spread the word!
The interviewer can be reached at [email protected]
I, personally, know of many unhappy and unfulfilled unions where the motivating factor of looking for the almighty dollar took precedence over tuning in to other, more important qualities. The results are depressing, and even tragic.
..the guy (or gal) who dates 50 girls, the solution is not to go out and date #51 . The problem is one of..
Very good insight . Most never thought about that.
Nice is a suggestion for clothing, try kindness instead.
As a boy who has been in shidduchim for a few years, I take offense to suggesting that a boy who dates 51 girls has problems. In my opinion, the biggest problem is shadchonim throwing resumes at you that are bad ideas, and it’s very difficult to tell based on the resume who is a good idea and who isn’t. What are needed are fewer shadchonim with actual skill who can intuit what is a good idea / what isn’t, but why is it the boy’s fault if he was suggested 50 girls who weren’t matches?
Look on Dr. Benzion Sorotzkin’s website for an interesting article with a much more nuanced approach for emotional issues that can be barriers in shidduchim. I know dozens of older singles who are well adjusted socially etc. who still haven’t found their basherts, and it’s simplistic just to blame them.
Just wear a white shirt and be makpid to only consume chalav yisroel and you’ll get an absolute perfect wife.
Five biggest problems? That’s easy.
1. Guys looking for money.
2. Guys looking for money.
3. Guys looking for money.
4. Guys looking for money.
5. Guys looking for money.
No need to attend speeches and seminars. You’ve got it right here.
Ego is the problem.
The two sides too proud to talk it out.
There are so many reasons for this problem, many of which can be helped with a preparation course on those starting shiduchim and having trained counselors to guide them thru the difficulties that arise.
The communities should help by organizing both a such course and training counselors.
We value education and training in other areas of life, why not in this area also!!
Available via zoom?
That goes for the females too
the biggest problem is women are too pickee. It took so long for me to get marreed even though I am a grate guy
The biggest problem in shidduchim by far is the fact that boys and girls are marrying at different ages i.e.19 vs 23, 24 which causes an uneven number of boys and girls available due to population growth. Therefore boys having the upper hand can demand whatever they want and girls go to extreme measures to make sure they are not behind i.e. money, seminary etc… It causes boys to be marrying girls out of their league in many ways because they can and makes therefore for problems with sholom bayis as well. The underlying solution is to have boys and girls marrying close in age so there are equal boys and girls in the parshah and no one has the upper hand.